i ended up marrying my dad after all

far as long as i can remember, i've been dedicated to the proposition that no man would ever control me with money. what that meant to me was that i would always make my own money so that i'd never have to depend on a man. a great deal of my childhood was spent watching my mother being physically hurt over money. there's nothing like watching someone you love being tortured to really clarify things. so i've spent the past 30 years of my life ensuring that i'd always be able to be independent.

hubby is a writer. he's an excellent writer and has written several books. he also writes for magazines. unfortunately, he doesn't generate much money doing that...certainly not enough for him to live on. i'm the primary wage earner. i'm not thrilled about it, because it robs me of some choices. i must always make enough money to support both of us, no matter how miserable it makes me. (luckily, abused children are very accustomed to functioning while they're miserable.)

this past weekend, i discovered that we only have $600 in the bank. i just got paid the last week in february. i make a significant amount of money. i'm not into the six figure range, but i do earn more than many people who manage to support several children. we should have more money than that in our bank account. now hubby wants to take the money out of my 401(k) to pay the rest of the bills for the month and ensure that we're adequately fed. i am so angry about this, but i feel trapped. the bills must be paid, but if i take money out of my 401(k), i'm just going to have to repay it. i don't see anything changing so that i could count on being able to do that. in another month or so, we'll have another monetary crisis.

i haven't made a decision regarding the retirement account, but i did call an immediate halt to eating out. i was even willing to allow hubby to continue to eat out while i eat at home. i recognized that was insane pretty quickly, but i just knew that i didn't want to have to clean up after hubby has cooked. i'm not terribly upset about that aspect of the problem because i need to lose about five pounds anyway.

it's the periodic money crises that are driving me insane. there's nothing else i can do. i can not earn any more money unless i take on a part time job. not going to do that. that would be incredibly self-destructive.

the other thing that really just kills me about this is the similarity to my mom's and dad's relationship. after my dad hit 50 (or thereabouts) he stopped working and went on disability. meanwhile, my mom had to continue to work in a place that made her miserable, that didn't appreciate her contributions and that was incredibly stressful. my dad just kind of laid around the house like a beached whale and did absofuckinglutely nothing. welcome to my life. i can't believe i've done this. when you dedicate yourself to not making the same mistakes your parents made, it's devastating to realize that you've just created a new mutation of their mistakes.

i guess the up side here is that my hubby doesn't hit me and he hasn't moved any other females into our house. wow. what an up side. here's the quote of the day:

"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." ~ Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
English poet, critic, lexicographer, creator of first English dictionary
from Life of Johnson (Boswell). Vol. vi. Chap. iii. 1776.

america held hostage day 1889
bushism of the day:
"The person who runs FEMA is someone who must have the trust of the president. Because the person who runs FEMA is the first voice, often times, of someone whose life has been turned upside down hears from."
—Austin, Texas, Jan. 4, 2001

no website of the day