robert and i, part two
03.03.05 (2:20 pm) [edit]
well once again, no court tv. damn. now where was i?
there were two women i worked with in that office (see "what robert blake and i have in common). one was a czech woman, probably in her late thirties. i can't say with any certainty because when you're that young, everybody over 30 looks about the same--old. she was a very nice person, i'm sure, but we had absolutely nothing in common. she was married and had several kids.
the other person was probably about my age. she was definitely young. i actually visited her at her apartment one day, but i can't imagine why i did that. again, nothing in common. her father was a pentacostal preacher and she had broken ties with them because she wanted to wear pants sometimes and wanted to be able to cut her hair every once in a while. heaven forbid. she was married to a young man who was also raised in the pentacostal church. the main thing i remember about her, other than the religious stuff, was how stricken she was when elvis died.
because of the narrow-minded, asshole supervisor, i was forced to interact with these two for eight solid hours a day. the following events might never have happened if i could have just gone outside, sat under the trees and read my book. i was stuck playing hearts with them in the breakroom for lunch. oh my god, just get a rope and let me hang myself. i hated it.
i had to get out of there. i felt like an alien fallen to earth. at this point in my life, i'm not sure why i decided to handle it this way, but i told them all that my dad died. yeah. not very nice. i got to leave, though. somehow they learned that i had just made up the story and, predictably, they were disgusted with my behavior. before i left, i had gotten roped into haveing lunch with the two ladies. by the time the lunch date rolled around, i knew that they knew the truth.
it became a game of chicken for me. i was fairly certain that they would cancel. they didn't. i don't know why i didn't cancel. so i just went to lunch with them anyway. they made no attempt to hide their contempt. i ignored it. had they been paying for my lunch, i'm sure i would have handled it differently. i would not have allowed them to pay.
so there it is, just one of many, many examples of what happens with abused kids sometimes. the thing that robert blake and i have in common is a selective, but total disregard for the feelings of others. i had no shame. if i didn't respect someone, i would lie to them without a second of hesitation. i would lie to them for no particular reason. living in a psychotic household provides plenty of practice in lying convincingly. one's whole life is a lie. while i was at school, i had to create the illusion that my home life wasn't careening so out of control that an;yone or everyone in my house could die at any time. i became an extraordinary liar.
you may be disappointed that, unlike blake, i haven't taken it to its logical conclusion. fortunately, i have a profound distaste for guns. and even in my worst moments, i would never have physically harmed anyone. i just hurt people emotionally. or not. i'm sure that many times the people i fucked over weren't particularly affected, other than just developing an intense dislike for me.
luckily, those days are over. i am so scrupulous about the truth that i think it's possible people see me as a little priggish. i do tell those little white lies that grease the wheels of interpersonal relationships, though. yes, i will tell you your new hairstyle looks great even if it's just hideous. it's only courteous to do so.
what happened to effect this change? i'll be damned if i know. i suppose i'm a little embarassed by my behavior. i might be more embarassed if i actually ran into any of the people i treated poorly. probably not, though. i can't change who i was then and, when confronted with my own bad behavior, i still have the attitude that no one can judge me who hasn't lived my life. i don't judge other people. how could i? there's some behavior i'm just not willing to tolerate.
i used to have a friend who had a habit of calling me up and yelling at me. she could get vicious in a matter of moments. i told her several times that i was not going to allow that to continue. the last time she was abusive, i cut her out of my life. we had known each other from high school and i have a very clear understanding of why she was abusive. no judgment. i just won't tolerate it.
here's the quote of the day:
"And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in a masquerade" ~ Lord Byron (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)
america held hostage day 1877
bushism of the day:
"I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the question they've been questioning. On the other hand, I firmly believe she'll be a fine secretary of labor. And I've got confidence in Linda Chavez. She is a—she'll bring an interesting perspective to the Labor Department."
—Austin, Texas, Jan. 8, 2001
website of the day; social science online databases at hanover college
http://www.hanover.edu/Library/websocsci.html" title="http://www.hanover.edu/Library/websocsci.html" target="_blank"http://www.hanover.edu/Librar...
there were two women i worked with in that office (see "what robert blake and i have in common). one was a czech woman, probably in her late thirties. i can't say with any certainty because when you're that young, everybody over 30 looks about the same--old. she was a very nice person, i'm sure, but we had absolutely nothing in common. she was married and had several kids.
the other person was probably about my age. she was definitely young. i actually visited her at her apartment one day, but i can't imagine why i did that. again, nothing in common. her father was a pentacostal preacher and she had broken ties with them because she wanted to wear pants sometimes and wanted to be able to cut her hair every once in a while. heaven forbid. she was married to a young man who was also raised in the pentacostal church. the main thing i remember about her, other than the religious stuff, was how stricken she was when elvis died.
because of the narrow-minded, asshole supervisor, i was forced to interact with these two for eight solid hours a day. the following events might never have happened if i could have just gone outside, sat under the trees and read my book. i was stuck playing hearts with them in the breakroom for lunch. oh my god, just get a rope and let me hang myself. i hated it.
i had to get out of there. i felt like an alien fallen to earth. at this point in my life, i'm not sure why i decided to handle it this way, but i told them all that my dad died. yeah. not very nice. i got to leave, though. somehow they learned that i had just made up the story and, predictably, they were disgusted with my behavior. before i left, i had gotten roped into haveing lunch with the two ladies. by the time the lunch date rolled around, i knew that they knew the truth.
it became a game of chicken for me. i was fairly certain that they would cancel. they didn't. i don't know why i didn't cancel. so i just went to lunch with them anyway. they made no attempt to hide their contempt. i ignored it. had they been paying for my lunch, i'm sure i would have handled it differently. i would not have allowed them to pay.
so there it is, just one of many, many examples of what happens with abused kids sometimes. the thing that robert blake and i have in common is a selective, but total disregard for the feelings of others. i had no shame. if i didn't respect someone, i would lie to them without a second of hesitation. i would lie to them for no particular reason. living in a psychotic household provides plenty of practice in lying convincingly. one's whole life is a lie. while i was at school, i had to create the illusion that my home life wasn't careening so out of control that an;yone or everyone in my house could die at any time. i became an extraordinary liar.
you may be disappointed that, unlike blake, i haven't taken it to its logical conclusion. fortunately, i have a profound distaste for guns. and even in my worst moments, i would never have physically harmed anyone. i just hurt people emotionally. or not. i'm sure that many times the people i fucked over weren't particularly affected, other than just developing an intense dislike for me.
luckily, those days are over. i am so scrupulous about the truth that i think it's possible people see me as a little priggish. i do tell those little white lies that grease the wheels of interpersonal relationships, though. yes, i will tell you your new hairstyle looks great even if it's just hideous. it's only courteous to do so.
what happened to effect this change? i'll be damned if i know. i suppose i'm a little embarassed by my behavior. i might be more embarassed if i actually ran into any of the people i treated poorly. probably not, though. i can't change who i was then and, when confronted with my own bad behavior, i still have the attitude that no one can judge me who hasn't lived my life. i don't judge other people. how could i? there's some behavior i'm just not willing to tolerate.
i used to have a friend who had a habit of calling me up and yelling at me. she could get vicious in a matter of moments. i told her several times that i was not going to allow that to continue. the last time she was abusive, i cut her out of my life. we had known each other from high school and i have a very clear understanding of why she was abusive. no judgment. i just won't tolerate it.
here's the quote of the day:
"And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in a masquerade" ~ Lord Byron (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)
america held hostage day 1877
bushism of the day:
"I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the question they've been questioning. On the other hand, I firmly believe she'll be a fine secretary of labor. And I've got confidence in Linda Chavez. She is a—she'll bring an interesting perspective to the Labor Department."
—Austin, Texas, Jan. 8, 2001
website of the day; social science online databases at hanover college
http://www.hanover.edu/Library/websocsci.html" title="http://www.hanover.edu/Library/websocsci.html" target="_blank"http://www.hanover.edu/Librar...
