fate or choice
03.01.05 (2:14 pm) [edit]
i was prepared to talk with my therapist on friday about the hunter s. thompson-induced thoughts of my father's suicide. i'd forgotten that i printed out a page from this journal and gave it to her. that was a huge event. i've never allowed anyone who knows me in the real world to read it. we ended up talking about it for the entire 50 minutes. i told her that there are some incidents i still haven't been able to write about. she asked me why and i told her that some things that happened are just too humiliating for me to allow other people to read about--even if i don't know them and will never know them. of course, her position is that there's no real reason for me to be embarassed; it wasn't i who behaved badly. i recounted an event from the period of time when i was around eight. she was angry on my behalf, then she reminded me that my ability to survive in that environment is astounding. she compares me to a rose growing in the desert.
i'd love to take credit for my psychological hardiness, but i don't think i can. i just don't see that there was a choice for me. let's assume that who we are is 50% nature and 50% nurture. we've already established that i hit the genetic jackpot. i have severe depression, but who wouldn't with my history? the absence of more debilitating psychiatric problems was not something i had any control over. the nurture thing didn't really go all that well. the very kindest thing (to my parents) i could say about that is that i was neglected. my therapist likes to say neglected and deprived.
so we come into the world with a certain set of genetic predispositions which are then altered in one way or another by our environment. where exactly in that scenario did i make a choice to learn to love and be kind to others? where exactly did i choose to figure out how to achieve? i don't think it's a choice. i am what god decided i would be. everyone i know disagrees with me, but they haven't been able to convince me.
on that note, here's the quote of the day:
"A man's character is his fate." ~ Heraclitus (540 BC - 480 BC), On the Universe
america held hostage day 1875
bushism of the day:
"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal—Antonio."
—On Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House.
NBC Nightly News With Tom Brokaw, Jan. 14, 2001
website of the day: Human Rights Watch: Defending Human Rights Worldwide
http://www.hrw.org/" title="http://www.hrw.org/" target="_blank"http://www.hrw.org/
i'd love to take credit for my psychological hardiness, but i don't think i can. i just don't see that there was a choice for me. let's assume that who we are is 50% nature and 50% nurture. we've already established that i hit the genetic jackpot. i have severe depression, but who wouldn't with my history? the absence of more debilitating psychiatric problems was not something i had any control over. the nurture thing didn't really go all that well. the very kindest thing (to my parents) i could say about that is that i was neglected. my therapist likes to say neglected and deprived.
so we come into the world with a certain set of genetic predispositions which are then altered in one way or another by our environment. where exactly in that scenario did i make a choice to learn to love and be kind to others? where exactly did i choose to figure out how to achieve? i don't think it's a choice. i am what god decided i would be. everyone i know disagrees with me, but they haven't been able to convince me.
on that note, here's the quote of the day:
"A man's character is his fate." ~ Heraclitus (540 BC - 480 BC), On the Universe
america held hostage day 1875
bushism of the day:
"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal—Antonio."
—On Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House.
NBC Nightly News With Tom Brokaw, Jan. 14, 2001
website of the day: Human Rights Watch: Defending Human Rights Worldwide
http://www.hrw.org/" title="http://www.hrw.org/" target="_blank"http://www.hrw.org/
