what am i afraid of
11.29.04 (2:05 pm) [edit]
thanksgiving was relatively painless this year. i gave up cooking after my dad died, when i decided that i wasn't going to be doing anything any more that didn't entail some fun for me. cooking has ceased to be fun for the time being.
i'm actually having a christmas tree this year. the past several years i've been too tired and/or too depressed to take on the job. i have the ornaments out and the tree up so i'm well on my way. i just hope i can stave off depression until i finish it.
appropos the list of questions i posted earlier, i think i'll start with what frightens me. such an easy question to answer. what frightens me is the prospect of somehow reliving my past. i'm afraid of being alone and terrified with no hope of things improving.
the irony is that i'm always alone. i've always been alone and i probably always will be. it's a choice i make to some extent. some part of it is my extreme introversion. if survival depends on creating a safe haven in your own mind, i think being introverted becomes a survival skill. i think there's some scientific indication that introversion may be an aspect of personality one comes equipped with at birth.
when i was younger, i thought i really wanted to develop a network of friends. by younger, i mean around college age. i could have that now if i wished. i just don't care anymore. i have relationships with others that center around one or two interests that we share. however, i have many, many interests and i haven't found anyone yet who shares more than a couple. (notable exception here is my husband.) that's fine with me.
as for emotional support, no one--not even me--knows the full story of my life. i've related a lot of it here, but there are still things i'm unwilling to write about even in my only anonymity. the people who know bits and pieces of it have absolutely no comparable personal experiences. what i feel is a mystery to them. my world view was shaped under dire circumstances and is not so easy to understand, even when people really try.
that is true existential aloneness. the type i'm still afraid of. the type i live in every day. what a conundrum. i'm afraid of the very life i'm living. it's bearable because i'm not in any ongoing physical danger and because i'm not constantly being bombaarded by traumatic events.
sometimes i think i wish that i could be more connected. but then i think better of it.
here's the quote of the day:
"I write from solitude and I speak from solitude...However I did not seek solitude. I found it. And from my solitude I think, work, and live - and I believe that I write and speak with almost infinite composure and resignation."~ Camilo Jose Cela
america held hostage day 1789
bushism of the day:
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
website of the day: Edge
http://www.edge.org/" title="http://www.edge.org/" target="_blank"http://www.edge.org/
i'm actually having a christmas tree this year. the past several years i've been too tired and/or too depressed to take on the job. i have the ornaments out and the tree up so i'm well on my way. i just hope i can stave off depression until i finish it.
appropos the list of questions i posted earlier, i think i'll start with what frightens me. such an easy question to answer. what frightens me is the prospect of somehow reliving my past. i'm afraid of being alone and terrified with no hope of things improving.
the irony is that i'm always alone. i've always been alone and i probably always will be. it's a choice i make to some extent. some part of it is my extreme introversion. if survival depends on creating a safe haven in your own mind, i think being introverted becomes a survival skill. i think there's some scientific indication that introversion may be an aspect of personality one comes equipped with at birth.
when i was younger, i thought i really wanted to develop a network of friends. by younger, i mean around college age. i could have that now if i wished. i just don't care anymore. i have relationships with others that center around one or two interests that we share. however, i have many, many interests and i haven't found anyone yet who shares more than a couple. (notable exception here is my husband.) that's fine with me.
as for emotional support, no one--not even me--knows the full story of my life. i've related a lot of it here, but there are still things i'm unwilling to write about even in my only anonymity. the people who know bits and pieces of it have absolutely no comparable personal experiences. what i feel is a mystery to them. my world view was shaped under dire circumstances and is not so easy to understand, even when people really try.
that is true existential aloneness. the type i'm still afraid of. the type i live in every day. what a conundrum. i'm afraid of the very life i'm living. it's bearable because i'm not in any ongoing physical danger and because i'm not constantly being bombaarded by traumatic events.
sometimes i think i wish that i could be more connected. but then i think better of it.
here's the quote of the day:
"I write from solitude and I speak from solitude...However I did not seek solitude. I found it. And from my solitude I think, work, and live - and I believe that I write and speak with almost infinite composure and resignation."~ Camilo Jose Cela
america held hostage day 1789
bushism of the day:
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
website of the day: Edge
http://www.edge.org/" title="http://www.edge.org/" target="_blank"http://www.edge.org/
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.24.06 (11:30 am)
Some secrets... truths... memories... fears...
There's too much to lose in the telling... or admitting.
