what do you mean depressed?
11.09.04 (2:11 pm) [edit]
i guess it's worth mentioning here that all this old stuff i'm dredging up is making me depressed as hell. my therapist suggested that it might be why i've been so down lately. oddly enough, i hadn't considered that.
i had also not considered that one of the (many) sources of my depression is my recognition that no one ever considered my needs important. sometimes i felt like athena, sprung from my father's forehead. he thought me into existence. when i was younger, i had a lot of trouble determining what i might be other than what my parents wished me to be. of course, i've figured it out since then.
nonetheless, i have to acknowledge that neither of my parents--for different reasons, probably--was capable of seeing me as a small human. if they told me i was supposed to sit somewhere, they expected to find me there when they came back, irrespective of how long they stayed away. i was like a doll for them. they were actually the only important people, only their needs and desires were worth noting.
do i find that depressing? well, i guess so. the problem is that one can only have one's own life. had i had a different, better life before i lived with my family, i'm certain i would have recognized the problem for what it was. i have some friends who had good childhoods, but i can't really compare. i have no real idea what it is to have a sane family. i have no idea what it must be like to have a mother and father who acknowledge your humanity on a daily basis. i have no clue as to what it would be like to have my parents do something for me when they couldn't see how it would directly benefit them.
that's about enough for today. here's the quote:
"The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven's lieutenants."~William Shakespeare
american held hostage day 1771
bushism of the day:
"There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like."
i had also not considered that one of the (many) sources of my depression is my recognition that no one ever considered my needs important. sometimes i felt like athena, sprung from my father's forehead. he thought me into existence. when i was younger, i had a lot of trouble determining what i might be other than what my parents wished me to be. of course, i've figured it out since then.
nonetheless, i have to acknowledge that neither of my parents--for different reasons, probably--was capable of seeing me as a small human. if they told me i was supposed to sit somewhere, they expected to find me there when they came back, irrespective of how long they stayed away. i was like a doll for them. they were actually the only important people, only their needs and desires were worth noting.
do i find that depressing? well, i guess so. the problem is that one can only have one's own life. had i had a different, better life before i lived with my family, i'm certain i would have recognized the problem for what it was. i have some friends who had good childhoods, but i can't really compare. i have no real idea what it is to have a sane family. i have no idea what it must be like to have a mother and father who acknowledge your humanity on a daily basis. i have no clue as to what it would be like to have my parents do something for me when they couldn't see how it would directly benefit them.
that's about enough for today. here's the quote:
"The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven's lieutenants."~William Shakespeare
american held hostage day 1771
bushism of the day:
"There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like."
posted by: basild (reply)
post date: 11.09.04 (12:42 pm)
Although I had a father who was pretty much a walking nightmare, I had a fairly normal childhood. I can't imagine how difficult yours must have been. I don't really know what to say, other than I sympathize with you, and hope you find some measure of peace.
