The Damage Done

Warning:  This post may trigger flashbacks for survivors of incest and other sexual abuse.  For everyone else, this is unpleasant, so proceed at your own risk.

Last Friday, my therapist and I uncovered the sleeplessness that plagues my around this time every year.  The deep roots of my insomnia are buried deep in the period of time when my father embarked on his relationship with the 13 year old he eventually married.

He demanded that I develop a "friendship" with her.  There was a three year age difference, a tremendous gap between 11 and 13.  Nonetheless, I did as he demanded.  There was no denying his demands.

It was the middle of the summer or thereabouts when I recruited her.  By the time September rolled around, there was a noticeable shift in her "friendship" from me to him.  I felt angry, confused and abandoned.

One day, when she was there (as she always was then), my dad suggested that he, she and I play spin the bottle.  I didn't know from spin the bottled; I was a kid.  Again, Ed was not a guy who tolerated disobedience.  If he wanted something and you weren't inclined to give it, there were grave consequences.

Of course, only being three of us "playing," the bottle inevitably came to her (or him, I don't remember).  He leaned over and kissed her with mouth open and tongue inserted.  I was puzzled.  When the bottle came to me the next time, he gave me a short (entirely appropriate) kiss.

"Why did you kiss her differently from me?" I demanded to know.  Not having an answer, he chose to French kiss me.  I immediately felt shame and the "game" ended then. 

Of course, things got worse as the year ground to an end.  I never ceased to take responsibility for his behavior.  I never escaped the shame. 

This time of year every year reminds me of the beginning of an unbearable situation degenerating into another, even more unbearable situation.  Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do.  In my case, they kept getting worse, year after year.  Obviously, I did much more than survive it.  Nonetheless, there's been a heavy price to pay.  I'm paying it still.