Happy Birthday, Dad

I almost forgot.  Happy birthday, Dad.  I'm still angry.  I'm still heartbroken.  I'm still wounded.  I'm still haunted.  I still love you, anyway. 

You're the only father I'll ever have.  I wish everything could have been different, that you could have been different.  Nonetheless, without you, there would have been no me.  For better or worse.

Thank you for the gifts you gave me, even though they were harsh gifts.  Thank you for the many lessons in compassion.  You had a terrible life, that I'm sure of.  I celebrate your will to survive, at whatever cost.  I celebrate your talent and intelligence. 

In the infinite, numinous universe, we have always been in agreement.  You were the Buddha sent to teach me.  I hope I learned those lessons well.  I hope you're finally proud of me.

I miss your craziness.  I mostly miss the hope  that I could understand your pain, that I could heal you of your suffering. 

Happy birthday, Daddy.