Everything and Nothing
03.06.08 (10:22 am) [edit]
I've read that everyone we meet has been sent to teach us something. If that's so, I'm hard at work. I encounter my father, in various guises, everywhere. I'm surrounded by narcissists--at work and at home. Hubby is so self-involved that I'm surprised he even notices I'm in the room. Sometimes I'm not sure that he does.
Stepson doesn't know anything about me. He never asks about what I'm interested in, what my life is like. He knows nothing about my childhood. Our conversations are always about him.
Not everyone in Crazy Land is a narcissist, but we've got more than our share. The Foot Lady, Crazy Employee, Owner, Loathsome, The Golf Pro--for all of them the world is a mirror.
If there's anything at which I'm expert, it's dealing with narcissists. Unfortunately, the way I deal with them is very unhealthy. Being highly intuitive, I'm able to figure out what they want and how they want it, then give it to them. Not so difficult, really. Generally what they want is validation; only preferences for the means of validation differ between individuals. I anticipate their needs. I hide my own. Or I believe the needs I have can't be met by other people.
I'm so chameleon-like that everyone thinks I'm like them, but I'm not, you know. There are a lot of things I have to fake. I don't know what occurs in non-catastrophic childhoods. It's as alien to me as living on another planet. It's such a strange thing, to try so hard to picture what "normal" (for for that matter, dysfunctional) childhood looks like. I won't ever know.
So what am I learning? Apparently, not much. I continue to live with a man who has an absolutely astounding sense of personal entitlement. At work, I shift certain characteristics to the foreground and others to the background, depending on who I'm with at any given time. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not; I'm merely rearranging parts of my personality. Morphing into someone others find more palatable and easy to understand is probably one of those things I'm supposed to learn not to do.
At the moment, I think the lesson to be learned is to love myself, just as I am. That's a mighty tall order. I've lived my life, dedicated to figuring out how to fit in with everyone else, working on social skills, fixing the things that were wrong with me.
I've decided to stop trying to change myself into someone I'm not. What does that have to do with my dad? Everything and nothing.
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 03.06.08 (2:30 pm)
((Hugs & caring for you my dear ggirl))
posted by: lostin2007 (reply)
post date: 03.06.08 (6:05 pm)
*hugs* I'm glad to hear you stopped trying to change yourself for other people. It's not easy to love yourself but i know you can do it. I'm still learning to do that myself.
posted by: Barnabus1 (reply)
post date: 03.06.08 (6:34 pm)
Ahhh there is no growth for them in validation!
And if you fake something long enough, it becomes the reality!! Try to just be yourself!! If they can't accept you as you are, you don't need their friendship anyway!! Be true to yourself, even if it don't fit someone else's pleasure!!!
posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 03.08.08 (4:49 am)
i love you for who you are...who are you? : ) honey, we are all cameleons for the most part...we morph to avoid conflict, we morph to become what we think others want/need. but then, like me in my latest drama, figure out that we just want to be who we are and damn, it, why isn't that good enough! let's just try to be in harmony with our own soul! xoxoxoxox
posted by: bronwynj (reply)
post date: 03.11.08 (6:53 pm)
Hmmmm yes, I understand this, but what happens when you happen to be interacting with two different people at the same time in the same room, & they each perceive you in different ways, huh? :-) How do you act/behave/seem then? Have you ever had that experience?
Regarding what a 'normal childhood' is like: I was going to say that we all have challenges during childhood, even if we haven't been badly abused, but then I corrected myself that our challenges might be faced later in life, rather than during childhood - & then I thought that some people have darn awful lives while other's seem to just cruise along having a good old time!
Perhaps then we could consider reincarnation, & that those who seem to be having it easy in this life might have worked & struggled real hard in their last life & have chosen to have a 'rest life' this time - or that they're just fast learners - or that you & others who are having a rough time of it are just trying to achieve heaps in this life (you over achiever you!)??
