tBlog - Numb

Numb

11.30.07 (9:41 am) [edit]

"Self acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory." ~ J. Donald Walters

I've been feeling numb a lot lately. Dissociated. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it's making it hard for me to generate much interest in anything. Maybe the prospect of writing more about my early life has stopped me dead in my tracks. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

I don't have to write about it.

It could also be because of my pending trip to Houston. I'll see Dr. Kronowitz on December 6, to take a look at his latest handiwork. We're going to have to talk about the necrotic tissue. There is no good answer to the question of what's going to happen next there.

If we're going to leave the hard ridge, I'm going to be very very unhappy. This has nothing to do with anyone other than me. Dr. Ross promised me, two years ago, that at the end of all of this, no one would be able to tell I ever had a mastectomy. Well, guess what? Anyone could tell something terrible has happened.

On the other hand, if we're going to do something about it, more surgery is guaranteed. I don't want to have more surgery. I'll never get back to even a semblance of my former physical fitness level if they don't stop cutting. Then, of course, there's that other thing. Stop hurting me.

I know this seems trivial compared to the possibility of dying from breast cancer. It's not trivial. I'm happy to be alive and well. I'm happy to have hair. I don't want my breast to look like a bride of Frankenstein breast. Not trivial.

In case I haven't said it lately: I hate having breast cancer.

Now. Back to being numb.

posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 11.30.07 (8:35 am)

I Hate that you ever had breast cancer and with all that you have been through I hope that you don't have to face surgery again. Having the scar is terrible but at least it is not exposed for the world to see. consider it as a badge of victory because you overcame it.(((HUGS)))

posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 11.30.07 (5:00 pm)

Of course it's not trivial!
In someways I can relate and understand.
When I was still taking injections that were eating away at my skin and making my hair fall out, everyone told me to just be grateful that I had something would help. You can be grateful AND pissed all at the same time.

I so wish there was an easy answer for this.

Wishing for many blessings on your life.

posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 11.30.07 (5:01 pm)

stop hurting my friend! there, i said it! i wish someone would listen to me...let me tell you, if i were king of the world, well, there would be a lot that is different. xoxoxo

posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 12.03.07 (5:26 am)

I simply can't imagine going through what you've gone through and are going through. It simply sucks. I hope you get through it without too much more pain and mental stress. It seems unfair you're not allowed to carry a gun around and shoot anyone who even mildly pisses you off any further. ...ah, in a perfect world...