It Goes On
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." ~ Mark Twain
It dawned on me a couple of nights ago that things may never be the same. The swelling in the new girl had finally gone down a bit and I was able to feel a ridge running underneath it. It's like having an underwire bra under the skin. That may theoretically seem like a good thing, but it's not.
Everyone I know who's had reconstruction surgery has always told me that, in the end, no one will know that the "breast" I end up with isn't a breast at all. No one, they told me, will even know I had breast cancer unless I choose to tell them. I sort of had my heart set on it. Of course, I also had my heart set on everything being finished a year ago, but this is a lot harder to accept. I've gone through so much to make that outcome possible when it may not be, after all.
The problem is definitely radiation and possibly, to some extent, my body's tendency to create massive amounts of scar tissue. I heal quickly, but thick ridges of scars form almost immediately. Radiation caused a lot of tissue necrosis. There was a lot of radiation because of the wide-spread nature of the cancer (which wasn't a tumor) and the fact that it came so close to the chest wall and my neck. Once tissue is irradiated, it gets very hard.
When I was at M.D. Anderson a couple of weeks ago, I talked with a young woman while we waited to give blood. She had exactly the same conditions as I had and the doctors weren't enthusiastic about even trying to do reconstruction surgery on her. It was the memory of my conversation with her that clarified my own dire straits.
Dr. Kronowitz did an excellent job of cutting some of that necrotic tissue and scar tissue out, but there's still some there. Maybe there always will be. I thought about calling him last week when I had this epiphany, but then I decided that I might not be able to stand the answer. Not yet.
I was devastated last week. Today, I'm emotionally numb. I can only feel that bad for a limited period of time. Plus, I'm still exhausted and in pain from the surgery a couple of weeks ago. This is no time to obsess about visual wholeness.
Next week, a new round of medical appointments begins. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (whom I'm probably going to try to fire because she's more than I can afford) and a blood check/medical oncologist visit. The next week is my annual physical and a trip to my dentist.
I'm not a human being anymore. I'm just a series of medical events.
posted by: Barnabus1 (reply)
post date: 09.18.07 (11:59 am)
A great looking breast is nice of course, but never the primary thing! It's the person thant matters, breast or no breast!! No one marries a breast!! they marry the person behind the breast!!! So Pls quit concerning yourself with them!!! You are far more important than a dozen of them!!!
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.18.07 (2:39 pm)
You're a human being to me. :(
(hug-like thoughts to you)
posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 09.18.07 (3:22 pm)
I'm not a human being anymore. I'm just a series of medical events.
my darling girl, this is so not true!
be free to imagine the way you want things to be!
you are cared about so much.
xoxoxo
posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 09.18.07 (10:34 pm)
Continue to hang in there, praying for you.(((HUGS)))
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 09.19.07 (5:24 am)
Reply to: Barnabus1
You can not possibly know what I've been through to get this far, how much I've lost. A regular looking breast is just a minute compensation for all of the things I no longer have because of breast cancer.
Thank you for being encouraging, though.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 09.19.07 (5:27 am)
Reply to: LadyG
Thank you for your prayers. I hope all is well with you. Hugs to you, too. :-)
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 09.19.07 (5:28 am)
Reply to: LadyG
Thank you for your prayers. I hope all is well with you. Hugs to you, too. :-)
posted by: consciousphobic (reply)
post date: 09.21.07 (2:34 am)
Yea it does go on...good, bad and indifferent.
Thinking of you and sincerly hoping you can get through this.
CP
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 09.21.07 (6:21 pm)
I understand the feeling of being a medical event. I've tried to become friends with my doctors and therapists because I see them so often. I'm sorry this process is so long and drawn out.
My continued prayers are with you...
gentle healing hugs,
Tammy
posted by: (reply)
post date: 09.28.07 (2:17 pm)
"I'm not a human being anymore. I'm just a series of medical events."
Oh dear god, how I understand. So many days I don't even want to write anymore, I don't want to talk about it or think about it or become... like my father. An endless pile of Woe Is Me. I try to come up with positive things to say and end up a blank. That's more depressing, maybe. I don't know.
The re constructive surgery got me to thinking about something my shrink said to me last year. I was (ok, ok) whining on about how I'm obsessed with having small breasts and she asked if I should just go ahead and get implants. I was shocked. She then floored me by telling me that she had had breast cancer and had reconstructive surgery done, although there was a problem with the nipples, for some reason. So, she told me, she told the doctor not to worry about it. Yes, she nodded at my look of utter stupidity, she has no nipples. I just blinked. What the hell could I say to that? What the hell am I whining about?
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. Um... it changed my opinion of her forever. Now I look at her and see an utterly peaceful warrior, a woman at peace with her own body, no matter how altered it may be. She looks normal from the outside, and that's what mattered to her.
If anything, I wish the same for you: that you can find peace with the skin you're in. I'm sorry it's so incredibly hard... I can't even imagine.
And... her words made me realize what I have. I'm not so obsessed. I hardly think about it. Sometimes we don't realize that our own tribulations can cause a healing effect on those far away.
It's a small comfort, I know. But some days, when all we are is a series of medical events, some days those small comforts can make a difference.
*hugs*
Be well. I wish you peace with every new change. And... know that you inspire me.
posted by: introspectre (reply)
post date: 09.28.07 (2:17 pm)
sorry- I forgot to type in my silly name....
