Live Until You Die
Today I planned to get around to checking in with all of my online blogging friends. I always miss sharing in their daily lives when I have to be gone--usually because of a trip to deal with cancer in one way or another. I may not get around to that, after all.
I'm crying now. In my office. At the mercy of anyone in Crazy Land who happens to knock on my door. I do not wish for them to see me cry. It's too personal to explain and there is no consolation to be found. Certainly not here, anyway. Actually, I'd love to explain it to myself, but crying is only crying. No explanation necessary.
It feels so silly to be afraid. Is there something wrong in the new girl? Probably not. My mom thinks everything is okay. I should just banish the fear and rest in the thought that most likely all is well. Right? I'm almost certain everything is fine. Why would I choose to believe otherwise?
On the other hand, having once been overly optimistic, it's well nigh impossible to exorcise that anxiety gnawing around the edges of my consciousness. Two summers ago, I thought we were just going to have a look around, maybe remove a benign tumor and get on with things. Then I believed Dr. Ross would perform a little lumpectomy or a big lumpectomy and I'd go on my merry way. Obviously, that didn't happen.
Money Man's daughter poked her head in my office a while ago and, though I tried to pull myself together, I'm a messy crier. My eyes get puffy immediately and my nose turns red. Very, very attractive, I assure you. That's when I decided to take a little trip next door and get over myself. At least there I could cry noisily if it came to that. It did. But I'm back now.
A few seconds ago, Crazy Employee, who engaged in some egregious back-stabbing behavior last week, knocked on my door and made some ridiculous excuse for entering my office. If I wanted chocolate donuts, bitch, I would go to the receptionist's desk to get them. I do not wish to share anything with her. I'm insulted that she would think otherwise.
In what's come to be the Official GGirl Crying Building, there is an abandoned plant. I've been trying to get someone to take care of it for a long time and now it's dying. That touched off another round of crying and, as I sit here, tears are welling up again. Goddamn it. I'm going to try to find a way to get some water to the poor thing and, in the meantime, I slanted the blinds so it could get more light. I just need to find a big enough container to take some water to it; it's a very large plant and needs more than a cupful or so.
Back to the matter at hand, be afraid or not? Maybe I don't have any choice and I should just go with whatever the moment brings. Oh yeah. That was supposed to be one of those lessons I learned from having breast cancer. Being in the moment is being completely alive.
I tell everyone that I wish to live until I die. When I'm sitting on the floor next door, crying about a dying plant, that is exactly living until I die. Yesterday I was reminded of a quote from a Medieval mystic named Julian of Norwich. "All things shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well." They shall.
In the meantime, I may be vying for the office nickname, "Crazy Employee." I'll have to think of a new name for her, though. The possibilities are endless. I'm officially taking suggestions, but I have dibs on "Back-stabbing Bitch." I'll get back to debating fear later. I've got my priorities straight, you know, because all things most certainly shall be well.
posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 06.26.07 (9:03 am)
awww, g, i hate that you're afraid...and i want to say something comforting, but i can only think, "g, trust your gut" you've been there, done that and pretty words from your favorite mimi will only make mimi seem silly and trite. i do want to say "cry, baby, cry all you want" cuz it will keep your head from exploding! and then, the ultimate question arose in this cotton filled brain of mine...could you bring the plant to water instead of water to the plant? it might look great in your office : )
btw, i love the quote! and i believe it, too!
xoxox
posted by: gillymac (reply)
post date: 06.26.07 (3:19 pm)
I believe in the all cleansing power of a good cry. My last decent one was when my so called best friend broke up with me...that was a belter... I'm inclined to agree with mimi - go with your gut. If life has taught me one lesson repeatedly it is that getting yourself all worked up and worried seldom - no, I'll be definitive here - never, improves any situation.
After eveything you have been through, you deserve to give yourself a break... might i suggest a holiday in Ireland - you are welcome anytime. (Bring a coat. And an umbrella. And wellington boots - its summer :) )
posted by: consciousphobic (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (3:47 am)
HUGS to You.
posted by: Introspectre (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (5:30 am)
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say, because I have the feeling that nothing is really soothing. Just that I'm here, you know, if you need an ear.
About your rescue plant- do you know what kind it is? I worked in a greenhouse for years, and did interiorscaping. If anyone knows how to save and office plant, it's me. If you want help with it, let me know. I can do absolute magic with plants, even from afar...
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (6:16 am)
((G girl))
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (6:27 am)
Reply to: Introspectre
Your first paragraph warmed my heart when I read it. It was as comforting as a hug.
Thank you for your concern about the dying plant! I can't recall what type it is; it's one of those things I used to know but don't anymore. (There are a ton of those!) Anyway, I decided this morning to just take it out of its basket and move it outside. We've been having lots of rain here lately, so I'm certain that will help immensely. As will real access to sun. Now all I have to do is get it some plant food and I think we're in business.
Thank you for caring.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (6:28 am)
Reply to: apyjo
Thank you for hugs. :-)
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 06.27.07 (9:06 am)
I wish we were closer, I'm a very messy weeper too. A couple of blubbering idiots having coffee together? Wouldn't it be grand?!
*hugs*
posted by: bronwynj (reply)
post date: 06.29.07 (5:41 am)
Online blogging friend - checking in. :-)
