The Miracle and the Mystery

"Reviewing has one advantage over suicide:  in suicide you take it out on yourself, in reviewing you take it out on other people." ~ George Bernard Shaw

The work project is moving right along and I'm having a pretty good time.  Unfortunately, I have a streak of obsessive-compulsive disorder and I'm having trouble focusing on anything else.  I've been trying to remember to check in on my blog friends, but other than that, I'm driven. 

This week has been wretched.  I've been depressed and anxious and frustrated.  Last night, it finally dawned on me that I need to get out of that mindset.  It is within my control to some extent.  I meditated for about 20 minutes and managed to see around the obstructions that were blocking my view.  It's still a mystery and a miracle that we're here.  It's good to celebrate that.

Memories of my dad keep rising up unbidden into my consciousness.  This year is worse than it's been in a long time.  Remember him on the edge of that darkness breaks my heart.  I know my father didn't deserve the love and forgiveness I gave him.  Nonetheless, I'm sorry for him.  I'm sorry he was never able to really grow up, that he never knew me and that life didn't give him many choices.   I wish it all could have been different, not just for me or my mom or his other abandoned children.  I wish it could have been different for him, too. 

I've been suicidal myself--off and on since I was around 11.   I know what it feels like to be sucked into the vast darkness and to want to let go.  Because of that, I still wish I could have held him here long enough to find adequate psychiatric care.  Things are what they are, though, and my suicidal tendencies arose from my father's behavior.  It's important that I not forget that.  Certainly there is a genetic tendency, but when there's constant, intense trauma heaped on, it's inescapable.  So I always arrive at the same place.  I'm so sorry, Dad and, by the way, thanks for fucking up my life.

Well, so much for the miracle and mystery.   

America held hostage day 1708

Bushism of the day:

Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."