Sometimes Rage is Just Too Close

"But reason has no power against feeling, and feeling older than history is no light matter." ~ Charlotte Perkins Gilman

The new puppy is settling in now.  That's both good and bad.  He's calmed down a bit because he's not as anxious as when he came home with me.  Now that he feels safe, though, he's all about pushing limits.  Pushing my limits.  Pushing Sheba's limits.  He doesn't get to push Hubby's limits much because I always intervene before he has the chance.  It's a full time and a half job, keeping up with him.  I will never have a dog this young again.  I actually thought he was 10 months old, instead of 5.  By the time I found out, it was too late for me to back out.  I'd already made myself feel resposible for him.

Hubby's passive-aggressive behavior towards Wolf has stopped.  When you look into his little face, you can't help but love him.  That was excellent timing because Hubby and I were getting ready to have a come to Jesus meeting.  When that happens, everything's on the table.  The similarities between my husband and my father have been abundantly evident.  

He hasn't moved in any other woman and he's not violent, but in some other respects he's very similar to my father.  Hubby just doesn't participate in the relationship.  If he wants to do something, he does it, despite how I might feel about it.  He doesn't help around the house, doesn't cook, doesn't work.  Then he has the nerve to be grumpy.  Yep.  That's my dad.  

I used to always check things out with Hubby, just as a matter of courtesy.  Not any more.  If I wish to do something, I do it.  Fuck him if he can't take a joke, you know?  I stopped doing his dishes.  I always do my own dishes as soon as I get through with them, so when there's a sinkful of dirty dishes at the end of the day, we know whose they are.  That's the problem with ignoring the wishes of your spouse.  Sooner or later, inequities will right themselves.  

My dad never did a fucking thing in his life around the house.  He created problems, blamed someone else and had the added pleasure of being violent about it.  I can't talk about this today.  Rage is too close to the surface.    If I stop talking about this, I won't have to dissociate.  It's nice to have a bit of control over that.  I used to just automatically numb out and lose my train of thought.  Excellent coping mechanism, even though it was a little strange for the people around me.  If you don't dissociate, it's really hard to explain how it feels.  It's one of the many wonderful things about child abuse--you learn not to feel.

America held hostage day 1698

Bushism of the day:

"This has been tough weeks in that country." - Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004