Reptilian Brain
We need cancer because, by the very fact of its insurability, it makes all other diseases, however virulent, not cancer. ~ Gilbert Adair
It dawned on me this morning that, somewhere in the reptilian part of my brain, I still believe that I'm sick and, therefore, weird looking. It's hard to get over the feeling when you've spent most of a year looking like you're getting ready to die. Then there was that 7 weeks when I wasn't allowed to wear a bra because of radiation. I wore shirts over my tee shirts to try to camouflage the remaining (unsupported) girl. That was really depressing. I just had to stop looking at myself in order to pretend it didn't matter to me.
In reality, my hair is growing back really quickly. I was still pretty bald in July when I finished up radiation and now it's probably about an inch long. It's curly, thicker and much darker than my hair used to be. The hair on the rest of my body is coming back really slowly, but that's okay with me.
I also now have some color in my face. During chemo and radiation, I was just white the whole time, with dark circles under my eyes. My face was completely round because of the steroids they used. So there you are...a white, moon-faced bald person with dark circles under my eyes. Wow. I've never looked so attractive. I gave up the desire to wear make up or nice clothes. Partly it was because I just didn't have the energy, but it was also because I just hated the way I looked. There wasn't really anything that could be done to make me look better, anyway.
I've been wearing makeup for the past couple of weeks and I've even worn some skirts and dresses to work. I'm not getting much joy out of it, though. My therapist asked me last week if I was excited about being able to dress up again. Um, no. I wish I were, but I'm not. Throughout the past year of treatment, I always assumed I'd be happy to be able to dress up again. It's just another one of the many assumptions I've given up.
I just realized yesterday that it's time for my three month checkup. I think that's part of the reason why I noticed how unattractive I feel. I try not to think about cancer until I have to. It makes me so anxious to even think about going to M.D. Anderson. I feel a little queasy and a lot of dread. I'm sure everything will be okay, but I'll have to manage my thoughts until I go. My appointment is scheduled for next Thursday.
That means I'll be incommunicado for a while next week. On that note, I need to write a long email to the attorney who lives next door. I've decided to talk with him about the breast cancer diagnosis. They had been watching the cancer grow for some period of time. I did my part...I did monthly self exams and annual mammograms. Well, I'll save that for another day.
America held hostage day 1672
Bushism of the day:
"Secondly, the tactics of our—as you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean, that's—ever since the late '70s, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them. In other words, there's no sanctions—you can't—we're out of sanctions." - Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004
posted by: radiohead (reply)
post date: 08.30.06 (10:20 am)
I have never been through this particular ordeal, but I have had cancer and I have been close to death so I can empathize with how hard it is. I have faith things will come through, and I wish you much confidence and esteem to get you back to where you should be...happy.
posted by: radiohead (reply)
post date: 08.30.06 (10:26 am)
I have never been through this particular ordeal, but I have had cancer and I have been close to death so I can empathize with how hard it is. I have faith things will come through, and I wish you much confidence and esteem to get you back to where you should be...happy.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 08.30.06 (1:16 pm)
I really, really hope that things go ok at the upcoming appointment. I'll be thinking about you.
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (5:47 am)
I've spent several hours reading your blog. I'm horrified that you've endured what you have in your life. Although you are older than I am, I want to hold you like a child and protect you from all things bad. It's damn near killing me to read this. I started at your most recent entries but, then went to where your blog starts. I can't stop reading. My spouse asked me last night what I was reading, I guess because I was so intently glued to the computer screen.
I didn't tell him anymore than, "a blog, this person is a very good writer" he accepted that answer. I couldn't bear to tell him that I was reading a horror story about a little girl, who had a monster for a Father and Uncle.
I share your love of God, ggirl but, last night I had to question the why's of it all. We aren't supposed to do that, are we?
Why would the Lord let such a precious little girl suffer so?
Why do some people have so much, food, love, comfort, warmth, nurturing and others nothing? WHY?
I suppose I've lead a sheltered life. I guess I've been one of those lucky ones. No, that's not right, I have been one of the lucky ones. I'm almost ashamed of the fact. If it's any condolence, I wasn't exactly blessed with rocket science brains. I know it's not.
Now all I want to do is make everything right for all of those who have been wronged. How does one go about doing that?
I prayed for you very long and hard last night and I will do it again and again, I'm sure. You've touched me in a way that very few things have touched me before.
I don't know how to get across to you what I'm feeling, but I do want you to know that even though I do not know you, I care and I hope you can accept that.
I hope you will start to recover emotionally and physically from your cancer. Is saying your cancer offensive? If so, I apologize.
Have you ever thought of writing your life story as a book? I know it would be painful, so maybe that's not a stellar idea. You are such a great writer. Ha what am I thinking? It's painful for me to read, how could I expect you to write all of this in a book?
I could go on for days writing, there's so much I want to convey to you. I'm angry that you can't trust everyone. No that's not right, not everyone, I'll just say most people. At the core of human kind, I always thought that people are good, but I also thought that parents loved their children and would walk across broken glass, move mountains, take a bullet for them. I'm so sorry that, that didn't happen for you. Talk about understatements!
I have to stop here. I'm hesitating to post this. I don't want to be the cause of more pain for you.
I'm hoping that it helps to know that people DO CARE. I care. ok enough of me.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (9:11 am)
Radiohead, thank you for your kind thoughts.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (9:13 am)
Cutter, you're one of my favorite people.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (9:27 am)
Doeeyed, I wish you had left your website or email so that I could answer you personally. I'm pressed for time today, so I don't have time to collect my thoughts. If you drop by again and read this, please send me your email or website address and I will respond directly to you. Thank you for all of the caring things you've said. Take care.
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (4:53 pm)
((ggirl))
I don't know what to say, except " brava" for making it thru.
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 08.31.06 (5:26 pm)
Hi ggirl, I sent you tmail.
Lots of love and light.
