The Reasons I Never Longed for Anyone

"We must learn our limits. We are all something, but none of us are everything." ~ Blaise Pascal

Over the weekend I realized that, by ending the first date story when I did, I may have left the wrong impression.  The point of never pining away for someone after my experience with Michael doesn't have anything to do with how attractive I was or how fascinating or anything like that.  At that time in my life, it was impossible for me to form a relationship with someone I believed had loved or desired someone other than me.

It's just another one of those consequences of growing up with my father.  I can't explain exactly what the connection is, but the entire time I was with Michael (which wasn't very long) all I could really focus on was that I believed he would have preferred to be with someone else.  You know, like I was somehow second rate.  I was never able to get over that feeling and I certainly never gave voice to it.  

After that relationship, I never allowed myself to want anyone who indicated in any way that I wasn't their first choice.  It's not that the people I was with had never been in relationships with someone else.  The thing was that they just couldn't talk about the other people with that misty longing people sometimes have for old lovers.  They most assuredly couldn't be drawn to blondes (I have brown hair) or short women...well, the list is endless, really.  The blonde thing was really a sticking point with me because my father preferred blondes.  Unfortunately, I came across several men who had been with blondes before and seemed to have a preference.  It was the absolute kiss of death for our relationship.

I would pull back immediately and become emotionally unavailable.  I might still be sleeping with them, but my heart was well guarded.  Actually, my heart was well guarded, anyway.  I always had two boyfriends before I met my husband.  One boyfriend (who usually lived in a different city) would be the beloved with whom I shared a sexual relationship and the other boyfriend (in the same town) who was really just a way to entertain myself without physical intimacy.

I didn't have the insight (or didn't choose to use it) to see that one of the boyfriends was always occupying second place in my life.  Furthermore, I have been involved with more fair haired men than dark.  My true preference is for men with dark hair and smoldering eyes.  I'm certain you see my point here.  I would not be second choice, but I had no problem with making someone else my second choice.

My relationships with men have always involved competition of one type or another.  I was generally very dismissive of their intellectual abilities.  I now believe that what I was really judging was their intuitive abilities, not their intellectual abilities.  I'm highly intuitive and I was always able to see things they couldn't.  Whatever the basis, my need to be competitive with men was very destructive to them, to me and to our relationship.

Now that we've cleared all that up, I'll get back to the Michael story later this week. 

America held hostage day 1660

Bushism of the day:

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplem ental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." - Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004