Lunch and the River

"Most of the time I don't have much fun.  The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all." ~ Woody Allen

My plan for the day was to take the day off and rest.  My mom and I are having our traditional summer lunch in a small town near here.  I wanted to get a little extra rest time so I'd enjoy the outing more.  I couldn't think of what to tell the office about why I wasn't coming in so I just came to work.  My mom suggested that I should have just said I wasn't feeling well.  The truth is, I'm not feeling well.  The stress of the weekend used up all of the energy I have left.  Since chemotherapy, when I get too tired, my entire body hurts.  That's where I'm at today.

Every summer my mom and I go to a little town not far from where we live and have lunch at a restaurant that overlooks the Guadalupe River.  You can't actually see the river, but you can hear it moving.  I love the sound of moving water.  So comforting and refreshing.  We didn't get to have our trip last year, because I was in the midst of scheduling appointments to find out if I had breast cancer.  That can eat up an amazing amount of time.  Maybe we should go twice this year to make up for it.

I came up with the plan last week when, out of the blue, I thought, "When was the last time I had any fun?"  I can't even remember.  So I decided that I need to find some activities that help me reconnect with life.  My therapist is pleased.  Fun-seeking is not something I normally do.  Of course, having said that, I actually have to think of something fun.  The lunch thing was easy.  Anything else will take some serious ruminating.

It was only a few years ago that I even entertained the possibility that one is supposed to be happy in life.   I was surprised when my therapist told me she thought I should try to do what makes me happy.  Wow.  What a concept. I'm still not absolutely certain that happiness is one of the ultimate goals in life.

I think I believe that life is more about learning.  I don't mean intellectual achievement, although there's certainly nothing wrong with that.  I mean learning compassion and kindness.  I mean learning to find what's loveable in other human beings, even when you have to look really, really hard.  One of the great things about having suffered greatly early in life is that you are more able to see that pain lies behind the hurtful behaviors we engage in, whether to ourselves or others..  Or that's how it seems to me.

But I digress.  Tomorrow I'm going to have fun and try to remember what it feels like to not be a patient.

America held hostage day 1643

Bushism of the day:

"I've reminded the prime minister—the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship."—Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006