None of it Matters

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."  ~ Albert Einstein

Last night I was in the throes of moodiness again.  I had the same thing happen on Saturday night.  I'm not a moody person, so these are highly unusual developments.  I decided to go with it.  No fighting. It was just barely tolerable.

At some point, I remembered.  Oh yeah, none of this matters.  Suffering is only suffering.  Big deal.  When I can consistently remember to find my way to the still point, I remember that it doesn't matter.  I meditated Saturday and Sunday, did yoga on Sunday afternoon.  Suddenly, there it was...the truth!  All of the outer stuff is just noise and illusion, easy to get swept into and lose your way.   I read some scientific article a couple of years ago that said it seems the entire universe is, at its most fundamental level, light that somehow contains information.  That's who we all are--light.  There is no difference between the light that is you and the light that is me.  These distinctions don't reallyl exist in eternity.  We are all a part of the One.

Einstein talked about it, too.  He said that we only "believe" ourselves to be separate entities and, therefore, we develop these ideas about whom we like and whom we don't like.  

When I look at the universe from that vantage point, I can feel my spirit take a deep breath and relax.  Of course, the paradox is that it all matters very much.  Many beings are suffering this very moment and that's important.  We can all find the end of suffering, but we certainly haven't found it yet.  We've still got a firm handle on how to inflict it, though.  

I recently allowed myself to get involved in a game that increase adrenaline.  I forgot how bad that is for my mental and physical health.  The problem is that, as a survivor of childhood abuse, I'm far too comfortable with the jacked-up, anxious feeling that adrenaline produces.  I love it.  I'm addicted to it.  For several years, I managed to stop doing anything that summoned that jolt of energy.  I'm not sure how I forgot that it's so unhealthy for me.  It makes meditation even more difficult. 

Now all I have to do is stop myself. Like all addicts, I have a hard time stopping once I get going.  Earlier today, I was thinking, "Maybe I could just play the game and continue to meditate daily."  Maybe not.  It's like an alcoholic thinking maybe s/he could have a social drink and then stop.  Maybe not.

Damn.  Just when I was having fun.  After a very short while, though, the adrenaline rush starts to feel really bad.  I need to be mindful of that.  I have plenty of other addictions to fall back on, if I must.  Diet cola, chocolate, shoes.  Well the list is endless, really.  I have a Diet Pepsi in the refrigerator.  It's not good for me, either, but what the hell. 

America held hostage day 1635

Bushism of the day:

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006