Here, O Sariputra, form is emptiness and the very emptiness is form; emptiness does not differ from form, form does not differ from emptiness; whatever is form, that is emptiness, whatever is emptiness, that is form, the same is true of feelings, perceptions, impulses, and consciousness. -Heart Sutra

I spent some time this weekend looking through my Lance Armstrong Cancer Survivor notebook.  I'm so glad I have it.  I found out that the end of treatment is a difficult time for most people.  Everyone, including the survivor, expects a return to carefree living.  People think you should be happy.  I am not happy.  I'm depressed and emotionally numb.

It turns out that, in addition to depression and emotional numbness, survivors are often suicidal, anxious or angry.  I read a comment at an online medical website written by a survivor who was  feeling suicidal.  I have to admit that I don't really understand that.  You've gone through (at least) a year of grave physical hardship and, having endured it, you think maybe you'd like to check out? 

Okay.  Writing in a journal is supposed to help.  Voila.  Allowing yourself to feel as crappy as you do is also supposed to be helpful.  That's so difficult for me; I don't like feeling down so I tend to try to find ways to cheer myself up.  Banish the thought!  No more attempts at cheering myself up.  Just continually noticing the numbness or the pain. It's just hard to say much about that, so I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be writing about in my journal.  

Later on today I have an appointment with my opthamologist to check on macular degeneraiton progess.  I haven't been able to take my vision vitamins for about about 8 months, so I'm a little nervous about it.  

It will all be okay eventually.  No matter what.  God his here with me every moment...I just have to keep remembering it.

America held hostage day 1628

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005