The Book of Job
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." ~ Aeschylus
I woke up early this morning, worrying about our financial health. Hubby is not pulling his weight. He's not even pullin half his weight. I guess I'm going to have to break down and have a long, long talk about all of this. I don't know. I just always expect him to be responsible. Lately he's not seeming very responsible. I need a little extra stress in my life. Breast cancer isn't really enough. Having my dog die isn't enough. Lately I've actually been having questions about God's plan for my life. This is not a thing I normally do. Generally speaking, I believe that I chose this life I'm living before I even arrived. I believe that I chose it in order to learn whatever it is I need to learn in order to progress spiritually. Turns out I'm a hell of an ambitious spirit apparently. I see people around me who are complete assholes. They know they're assholes and they're fine with that. Many of these people are having great lives. On the other hand, I try really hard to live my faith. I have ethics and I live by them. I check myself constantly to make sure I'm not fucking someone over inadvertently. How's my life? It sucks. In a big way. I find myself thinking about all of those unanswered prayers. In addition to praying for others, I actually include myself. Most of my prayers for myself have to do with forgiveness for wrong-doing (both God's and my own ability to forgive myself). I pray every day to see the world through eyes of compassion. I pray for help in letting go of the rage, resentment and hatred I harbor in my heart. I pray for those people. The big unanswered prayer has to do with the family farm. I don't think money solves much in life, but I do think my stress level would decrease significantly if the farm sold. I guess I need to re-read the Book of Job or something.
America held hostage day 1619
Bushism of the day:
"The good news is - and it's hard for some to see it now - that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house - he's lost his entire house - there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."
— (The White House, "President Arrives in Alabama, Briefed on Hurricane Katrina," Sept. 2, 2005.)
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 07.07.06 (7:46 am)
Job decided to remain faithful without claiming easy promises from God. God was much a mystery to him, but he understood enough to remain committeed. Today, 3000 years later, it's still the best way. Life gets crazy sometimes. I don't understand it. And God sometimes does not play by the rules. But, He's in charge. So trust Him is what I try to be consistent with.
You husband's not working?
posted by: mercuryrising (reply)
post date: 07.08.06 (12:32 pm)
I'm going through the same thing with my husband. I can so relate! I've had to drop school for the rest of the year so I can go back to full-time work. I've been so stressed I don't know if I'm coming or going! I sure hope that it gets better for you! There are times when I question God's plan for me too. I pray and pray and I too wonder about those unanswered prayers. I try to keep in mind that the Lord knows my needs and in his time, not mine, things will get better. It's not always easy but my faith is strong and I know deep down that The Lord will not fail me. I sure hope that you remain strong and I'll be praying for you and your husband... THanks for the nice post on my blog. Still haven't found my cat but I'm not giving up hope.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 07.10.06 (4:32 am)
Hi Pastor Dave,
thanks for your comments. Yes, I'm aware that Job hung in there with God, but he did complain, I think. Me, too. I'm complaining and, when I wrote that, I was having a really, really bad day.
No, hubby isn't working in the way that we normally think of working. He's a freelance writer and he earns money from that, but it's not a thing one can rely upon. I mean the amounts vary from month to month. He used to work much more and so things were fine; lately he hasn't made any money for months on end. I guess the level of stress in my life is so high right now that I'm not coping well.
Anyway, thanks for your concern and your remarks regarding Job's relationship with God. You have a point. :-)
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 07.10.06 (4:36 am)
Hi mercuryrising,
Bless your heart. Thank you for your comments. I also have strong faith and I know that ultimately God knows what's best for me. I sometimes have bad days and that was one of them. I hate it when I find myself questioning in that way...it's something I rarely do.
Thank you for your prayers! I'll be praying for you, too.
Keep me posted on your kitty. My guy hasn't shown up yet, but he's a very savvy survivor so I haven't given up hope, either. Take care!
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 07.10.06 (10:41 am)
I'm allways worried when I hear folks talk about God's plan for their life. God GAVE YOU the planning device dear. Don't lay it off on anyone else, even God.
It sure does sound like hubby needs a shot of... what? Ambition? Responsiblity pills? A "learning-what-Love-really-entails" elixur?
You have my permission to slap him up side the head... figuratively, of course. A quick jab to his lower mid-section?
Oh. You don't need my permission?
Got it.
Good luck.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 07.11.06 (4:31 am)
Hi surrogate! So nice to hear from you. We may just have a theological difference of opinion, although I'm interested in why you find that worrisome. Would you mind elaborating?
Yes, hubby needs something. That's for sure. Thanks for the permission for physical contact. I think we're just going to continue to have very stern talks. I know, I know....
Thanks again. I respect your point of view.
posted by: True (reply)
post date: 07.14.06 (7:27 am)
Suffering has a way of helping us to see who we really are inside and also who God really is. In Job in 42:5 Job says "I had heard of you, but now I see you" There is no way he could have said this unless he went through what he did and had God reveal himself in his awesome power and authority. God reveals his greatest strenght to us in suffering, grace. It is okay to respond with how you are feeling about all of this, but realize there is a deeper work going on. Something inside of you. One of the most important things in life is not what we do but who we are. The choice to be good or evil. My question for you is who are you choosing to become through this. Sweet and refreshing lemonade cannot be tasted until it is squeezed thoroughly. Gold cannot be purified until it is put in a blazing hot furnace and its impurities rise to the top to be sifted off. Just a frame of thought to consider. I will be praying for you. I am sincerely sorry about being diagnosed with breast cancer. Keep your head up sweetheart.
posted by: True (reply)
post date: 07.14.06 (7:31 am)
Oh yeah, for the marriage issue. True love will win out. don't lose sight of the man you married. The man you gave your heart for, the man you have dreamed big dreams with and done amazing things with. Believe in eachother, know what you can have with eachother and run for it. don't stop with being open, always communicate out of sincere concern for eachother. Recklessly abandon yourselves to love eachother to. It will be okay.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 07.18.06 (6:35 am)
Hello, True. Thanks so much for your comments. I agree that suffering is a gift. It's our responsibility to recognize that gift and embrace it. I've had a great deal of suffering in my life (see early entries regarding my early life) and, accordingly, have been given many gifts by God. Sometimes it takes a while to determine how those gifts can be used to help myself and others. Generally, I'd say that, for me, suffering has lead me to a fuller understanding of the suffering of all beings. It has enabled me to be more compassionate towards others, even when the person may seem to be cruel or difficult in other ways. I've had a lot of practice loving people who are difficult to love. That was the gift of my early life.
As for this gift, who knows? I haven't figured it out yet. I'm trying to wade through the emotional wake. I'll need to process all of the emotions of my current difficulties. In due time, all will become clear, I'm sure.
Thank you for your comments regarding marriage, too. My husband is still the same man I married. That means that I still love those things about him that I loved then. I believe in the possibility of unconditional love. My husband has many flaws, as do I. When you've been married for as long as I have, you can't help but notice that both of us can be difficult to live with from time to time. I know he's doing the best he can right now. I am, too. Sooner or later, things will change. It's been a tough year for both of us, but this will pass.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. Thank you for your encouragement and your prayers. I will pray for you, too.
posted by: Rachel (reply)
post date: 08.15.06 (6:25 pm)
Thank you for your lovely comments that you leave on my website! I've read through your site, and you appear to be a strong woman. You will triumph. I will keep you in my prayers. Rachel Delgado
