It's all over. Sort of.

I had my last radiation treatment on Monday. Lots of celebration by friends, coworkers and loved ones. I hate to let them know this, but I don't feel so great about it. I don't know. It's probably more of the return of feeling after shutting everything down just so I could endure the past year. Feeling came to be about moving on, getting up every day and getting through the day. Not much else. On Monday, the nurse told me to "go out there and reclaim your life." Maybe that was the catalyst. It's been so long that I don't even recall ever having a life that wasn't built around surviving breast cancer treatment. What was it exactly that I used to do? Who was I then? Well, for sure I had two breasts. Still don't have that. I'm very down today. I'm going to deal with it the way I've been dealing with everything else. I'm going to pay attention to the feeling...like a Buddhist meditation. I'm not going to try to feel better. That wastes too much energy and prolongs the bad feelings somehow. With any luck, I'll have my two-day feeling bad turn around time and I'll be feeling better by the weekend. If not, not. Everything feels empty right now. America held hostage day 1617. Yes. Still counting.

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