The Limits of Denial
I had a meeting with a radiation oncologist on Monday to discuss the next phase of cancer treatment. I've managed to get through cancer treatment thus far by using denial. "Oh, they're just going to do a lumpectomy--no big deal." "They're just going to cut off one of my breasts, but once they do that all will be well. No big deal." "Okay. They're just going to be pumping poison into my body for six months, but once I get through with that, I'll be fine. No big deal." My meeting with the radiation oncologist just eliminated all of the denial. As I look at those things that ran through my head, I can't believe that I thought I could just get through with treatment and never look back. There will be lots of looking back. Every three months for five years.
I'm not sure exactly what got my attention. She talked about where the radiation beams would be directed, how many treatments I would have to undergo, and some of the side effects. I don't suppose it really matters how or why I've moved beyond denial, but I really liked it a lot more than I like facing reality. That's pretty much always the case, though, I guess.
So the past couple of days I've been depressed. Somehow it seems like it might have been better to just be depressed the whole time I was undergoing treatment. It might not have been so much like falling into a black well. I have a low tolerance for depression. I always wish to find something to cheer myself up with or, at the very least, to distract myself.
I've been hanging on to W.'s ever-declining poll numbers and, of course, the brouhaha over Donald Rumsfeld, but even those things haven't been effective in dispelling the oh-my-god-i-have-breast-c ancer blues. I have absolutely no ability to concentrate, so that doesn't bode well for being able to read as a distraction. What's a girl to do?
I'm not sure what the answer is to that question, but the thing I'm supposed to be doing is finding a radiation oncologist in my home town and/or someone who is willing and able to remove my port. I decided not to even try yesterday, because I knew it would be a waste of time. Sometimes mood trumps necessity. I also have other health care issues to deal with and I've double-booked myself on May 11. I'll just go from one doctor directly to the next one. I don't have the energy to try to correct that problem. Maybe tomorrow.
America held hostage day 1540
Bushism of the day:
"I had the opportunity to go out to Goree Island and talk about what slavery meant to America. It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America. America is what it is today because of what went on in the past."
—Bush, commenting on the significance of slavery in America's past
Source: White House, "Remarks by the President to Embassy Personnel, Leopold Sedar Senghor International Airport, Dakar, Senegal," July 8, 2003
