Two Questions and the Answer
09.08.05 (1:00 pm) [edit]
Whosoever wishes to know about the world must learn about it in its particular details.
Knowledge is not intelligence.
In searching for the truth be ready for the unexpected.
Change alone is unchanging.
The same road goes both up and down.
The beginning of a circle is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it: all is one.
And yet everything comes in season.
Heraklietos of Ephesos
Yesterday, I found myself pondering two questions.
Does god hate me?
Does the relentless afflictions in my life really reflect god's profound love for me, because god knows I'm up for it?
I really get tired sometimes of endlessly bucking up and surviving the nasty things that seem to follow me around in life, right from the beginning until today. I generally try not to see the broad panorama of my life because it's just a bit much to embrace. First there was my parents, then my uncle, then a rape, then a suicide and, finally, breast cancer. I would really appreciate it if the universe would just give me a break for a while.``
I'm already getting anxious about my upcoming visit to the hospital. It will be a fun-filled adventure featuring CT scans, a bone scan and more blood work. The blood work is just a small blip on the radar screen, but the thought of having to lie still on a table for two hours is unnerving. When I had surgery, they made several attempts to do an MRI so I was on and off that table several times. By the time I got to the surgery holding area (I know there's another word for that, but my word is more indicative of how it felt), my lower back was in so much pain. Too much pressure applied for too long in that area. After they put a pillow under my knees, I was much better. There will be no pillow this time. I've been waking up at 5:00 a.m. lately and, though I'd like to blame it all on the corticosteroids I'm taking for poison ivy, I know that anxiety plays a role, too.
It's okay. Telling myself over and over that I don't want to do these things is really stupid and counterproductive. Somewhere in here the universe is sending me a message. Ultimately, I believe it is a message of love and growth. Staying open to that understanding waxes and wanes. If I get too absorbed in the suffering aspects, it may just prolong my inability to see clearly the potential for positive changes.
Hubby is rehearsing the play (or production) every night. The first (and only?) scheduled performance will be on September 17. I hate it that I'm so sketchy on the details, but these days I'm only certain about when I have to have more tests. There's an enormous amount to conflict between the director and Hubby's co-author (B.). B. delivered a tirade on Tuesday night in the middle of script revisions that were necessary because the director overbooked talent. B. stood up and pointed his finger at her and called her an idiot, among other things. Today he sent an email to everyone offering a resignation. Well, that's just clearly unacceptable. The performance is nine days from today.
It's all been chaotic and emotional. I loathe chaotic and emotional and have very little patience with people who aren't able to separate from their emotions enough to voice their opinions in a professional and productive manner. Of course, that's just me. As I look around, it seems to be everywhere...grown up people with the emotional intelligence of a five year old. I guess the only good thing about it is that those people are fairly easy to manipulate, if that suits your purposes. (That would be one of those extremely useful life lessons I learned very early in life. See paragraph 4 above.)It does, indeed, sometimes suit my purposes and I have absolutely no qualms about it. In this situation, though, there realy isn't much incentive for that strategy...on anyone's part.
I've known B. for over a decade and I once worked with his sister, a very good friend of mine. The entire family seems to be at least a little bipolar. I have a lot of difficulty being around B. for long because his emotional range is either "hate it" or "love it." Very tiring. Hubby believes there's something serious going on in B.'s life that's causing him to be extra crazy lately. He's speculated a separation from his wife might be in the works. I know they haven't gotten along for a very long time now. About ten years ago, B. and his wife separated briefly, but the kids were very young then and B. didn't relish being a weekend dad. Becuase he works at home, he's the one who was always around for them when they were young children. I know that for a while B. was a battered spouse. He may still be, I don't know. Whatever is going on now or even if there is anything going on now is a mystery to me.
I think Hubby has rehearsal again tonight. I'd be stunned if someone managed to pull themselves together and behave like a adult. I know my husband is ready for this particular torment to end. Maybe another update tomorrow.
America held hostage day 1434
Bushism of the day:
"I had the opportunity to go out to Goree Island and talk about what slavery meant to America. It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America. America is what it is today because of what went on in the past."
—Bush, commenting on the significance of slavery in America's past
Source: White House, "Remarks by the President to Embassy Personnel, Leopold Sedar Senghor International Airport, Dakar, Senegal," July 8, 2003
Website of the day: Free Antique Recipes From Old Newspapers
http://theoldentimes.com/recipes.html" title="http://theoldentimes.com/recipes.html" target="_blank"http://theoldentimes.com/reci...
Knowledge is not intelligence.
In searching for the truth be ready for the unexpected.
Change alone is unchanging.
The same road goes both up and down.
The beginning of a circle is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it: all is one.
And yet everything comes in season.
Heraklietos of Ephesos
Yesterday, I found myself pondering two questions.
Does god hate me?
Does the relentless afflictions in my life really reflect god's profound love for me, because god knows I'm up for it?
I really get tired sometimes of endlessly bucking up and surviving the nasty things that seem to follow me around in life, right from the beginning until today. I generally try not to see the broad panorama of my life because it's just a bit much to embrace. First there was my parents, then my uncle, then a rape, then a suicide and, finally, breast cancer. I would really appreciate it if the universe would just give me a break for a while.``
I'm already getting anxious about my upcoming visit to the hospital. It will be a fun-filled adventure featuring CT scans, a bone scan and more blood work. The blood work is just a small blip on the radar screen, but the thought of having to lie still on a table for two hours is unnerving. When I had surgery, they made several attempts to do an MRI so I was on and off that table several times. By the time I got to the surgery holding area (I know there's another word for that, but my word is more indicative of how it felt), my lower back was in so much pain. Too much pressure applied for too long in that area. After they put a pillow under my knees, I was much better. There will be no pillow this time. I've been waking up at 5:00 a.m. lately and, though I'd like to blame it all on the corticosteroids I'm taking for poison ivy, I know that anxiety plays a role, too.
It's okay. Telling myself over and over that I don't want to do these things is really stupid and counterproductive. Somewhere in here the universe is sending me a message. Ultimately, I believe it is a message of love and growth. Staying open to that understanding waxes and wanes. If I get too absorbed in the suffering aspects, it may just prolong my inability to see clearly the potential for positive changes.
Hubby is rehearsing the play (or production) every night. The first (and only?) scheduled performance will be on September 17. I hate it that I'm so sketchy on the details, but these days I'm only certain about when I have to have more tests. There's an enormous amount to conflict between the director and Hubby's co-author (B.). B. delivered a tirade on Tuesday night in the middle of script revisions that were necessary because the director overbooked talent. B. stood up and pointed his finger at her and called her an idiot, among other things. Today he sent an email to everyone offering a resignation. Well, that's just clearly unacceptable. The performance is nine days from today.
It's all been chaotic and emotional. I loathe chaotic and emotional and have very little patience with people who aren't able to separate from their emotions enough to voice their opinions in a professional and productive manner. Of course, that's just me. As I look around, it seems to be everywhere...grown up people with the emotional intelligence of a five year old. I guess the only good thing about it is that those people are fairly easy to manipulate, if that suits your purposes. (That would be one of those extremely useful life lessons I learned very early in life. See paragraph 4 above.)It does, indeed, sometimes suit my purposes and I have absolutely no qualms about it. In this situation, though, there realy isn't much incentive for that strategy...on anyone's part.
I've known B. for over a decade and I once worked with his sister, a very good friend of mine. The entire family seems to be at least a little bipolar. I have a lot of difficulty being around B. for long because his emotional range is either "hate it" or "love it." Very tiring. Hubby believes there's something serious going on in B.'s life that's causing him to be extra crazy lately. He's speculated a separation from his wife might be in the works. I know they haven't gotten along for a very long time now. About ten years ago, B. and his wife separated briefly, but the kids were very young then and B. didn't relish being a weekend dad. Becuase he works at home, he's the one who was always around for them when they were young children. I know that for a while B. was a battered spouse. He may still be, I don't know. Whatever is going on now or even if there is anything going on now is a mystery to me.
I think Hubby has rehearsal again tonight. I'd be stunned if someone managed to pull themselves together and behave like a adult. I know my husband is ready for this particular torment to end. Maybe another update tomorrow.
America held hostage day 1434
Bushism of the day:
"I had the opportunity to go out to Goree Island and talk about what slavery meant to America. It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America. America is what it is today because of what went on in the past."
—Bush, commenting on the significance of slavery in America's past
Source: White House, "Remarks by the President to Embassy Personnel, Leopold Sedar Senghor International Airport, Dakar, Senegal," July 8, 2003
Website of the day: Free Antique Recipes From Old Newspapers
http://theoldentimes.com/recipes.html" title="http://theoldentimes.com/recipes.html" target="_blank"http://theoldentimes.com/reci...
