blindsided
02.23.05 (3:47 pm) [edit]
this is turning out to be a peculiar week. i wrote an entry on tuesday, but i keep forgetting to do what's necessary to post it. the upshot is, the thompson suicide has thrown me for something of a loop. the phone rang on tuesday evening and hubby answered it, not the answering machine. in my head, i heard my father's voice on the machine. the thought suddenly struck me that i'll never hear my dad's voice again. well, of course i already knew that, but it was a wrenching thought nonetheless. then for some reason, i glimpsed a commerical (i think) which touched another resonant chord. i couldn't figure out why i was having these flashbacks. then it dawned on me that it might have had something to do with hunter thompson's suicide. sometimes i'm a little slow on the uptake.
that hasn't been the end of it. once these memory jags get going, there's just no stopping them. the really annoying thing about it is that i never know what's going to trigger them. so for the time being, my dad has taken up occupancy in my brain. this morning i started thinking about him telling me that assisted suicide should be legal, but the "young people" didn't want that. i told him that i agree that people have the absolute existential right to check out anytime they wish. i pointed out that the problem with legalized assisted suicide is that elderly and/or disabled people might feel some pressure (even if it's only internal) to opt for death so that they'll cease to be a problem for family. i'm certain that came up because some news program was doing a report on assisted suicide in oregon, the only state that currently allows it. by the by, i'm now profoundly ambivalent about it assisted suicide .
so there you go. i've also been nauseous for a couple of days now. i'm guessing it's an allergy thing, but who the hell knows. i just wish it would go away.
i can see the first buds of leaves on the trees outside my window. one of my resident squirrels is chowing down, along with a number of birds. the sun is shining for the time being, which is good news, because it's been gloomy this week and it's supposed to be rainy tonight and tomorrow.
on the feral kitty front, i've managed to pet the new black and white kitty and the gold baby kitty. they're not too crazy about it, but at least they're not freaked out when i touch them. the black and white kitty has taken to following me around and, when i sit down on the bench or the cement patio, she comes close, lies down on her back and gives me flirtatious looks. what a silly girl. yet another black and white baby has shown up, along with another black baby. it seems like an eternal procession of babies. i think the moms have just decided that this seems like a pretty good place to drop them off when the babies are weaned.
the tusk seems to be feeling much better and we've sort of gotten into a rhythm now. of course, miss woo always wants to participate. i'm still wrapping his prescription dog food into little bundles of thinly sliced ham and there's no way she's going to miss out on ham.
here's the quote of the day:
"I think that taking life seriously means something such as this: that whatever man does on this planet has to be done in the lived truth of the terror of creation, of the grotesque, of the rumble of panic underneath everything. Otherwise it is false. Whatever is achieved must be achieved with the full exercise of passion, of vision, of pain, of fear, and of sorrow. How do we know ... that our part of the meaning of the universe might not be a rhythm in sorrow?" ~ Ernest Becker
america held hostage day 1869
bushism of the day:
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."
—Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
website of the day; Foundation for the Homeless
http://www.foundationforthehomeless.org/ABOUT.htm#" title="http://www.foundationforthehomeless.org/ABOUT.htm#" target="_blank"http://www.foundationfortheho...
that hasn't been the end of it. once these memory jags get going, there's just no stopping them. the really annoying thing about it is that i never know what's going to trigger them. so for the time being, my dad has taken up occupancy in my brain. this morning i started thinking about him telling me that assisted suicide should be legal, but the "young people" didn't want that. i told him that i agree that people have the absolute existential right to check out anytime they wish. i pointed out that the problem with legalized assisted suicide is that elderly and/or disabled people might feel some pressure (even if it's only internal) to opt for death so that they'll cease to be a problem for family. i'm certain that came up because some news program was doing a report on assisted suicide in oregon, the only state that currently allows it. by the by, i'm now profoundly ambivalent about it assisted suicide .
so there you go. i've also been nauseous for a couple of days now. i'm guessing it's an allergy thing, but who the hell knows. i just wish it would go away.
i can see the first buds of leaves on the trees outside my window. one of my resident squirrels is chowing down, along with a number of birds. the sun is shining for the time being, which is good news, because it's been gloomy this week and it's supposed to be rainy tonight and tomorrow.
on the feral kitty front, i've managed to pet the new black and white kitty and the gold baby kitty. they're not too crazy about it, but at least they're not freaked out when i touch them. the black and white kitty has taken to following me around and, when i sit down on the bench or the cement patio, she comes close, lies down on her back and gives me flirtatious looks. what a silly girl. yet another black and white baby has shown up, along with another black baby. it seems like an eternal procession of babies. i think the moms have just decided that this seems like a pretty good place to drop them off when the babies are weaned.
the tusk seems to be feeling much better and we've sort of gotten into a rhythm now. of course, miss woo always wants to participate. i'm still wrapping his prescription dog food into little bundles of thinly sliced ham and there's no way she's going to miss out on ham.
here's the quote of the day:
"I think that taking life seriously means something such as this: that whatever man does on this planet has to be done in the lived truth of the terror of creation, of the grotesque, of the rumble of panic underneath everything. Otherwise it is false. Whatever is achieved must be achieved with the full exercise of passion, of vision, of pain, of fear, and of sorrow. How do we know ... that our part of the meaning of the universe might not be a rhythm in sorrow?" ~ Ernest Becker
america held hostage day 1869
bushism of the day:
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."
—Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
website of the day; Foundation for the Homeless
http://www.foundationforthehomeless.org/ABOUT.htm#" title="http://www.foundationforthehomeless.org/ABOUT.htm#" target="_blank"http://www.foundationfortheho...
hunter s. thompson
02.21.05 (3:33 pm) [edit]
i just got an email that included a link to a reuter's story about hunter s. thompson's suicide. it was entitled "hunter s. thompson goes out with a bang." that's just great. it makes me want to go track down the ignorant assholes who composed that headline and beat the snot out of them. you can not possibly know what impact reading that would have on his son and wife. my guess, though, is that it won't be good.
it doesn't matter that he was 67. though he was in the very highest risk group, knowing that someone you love went into the kitchen with a handgun and shot himself is unbearably painful. even when you know the person has been suffering and that, by committing suicide, they free themselves from suffering, it is still unbearable. even if he had been 90, it would still be terrible.
when my father committed suicide, i was plunged into a kind of nuclear winter in my head. it blasted out all thought. i was left with nothing but pain. you know that incessant patter that goes on in your head all of the time? well it was gone. you might think this sounds like a good thing, but it's not. i tried to remember what kind of things i thought about before his suicide, but nothing seemed worth thinking about. i just kept coming back to this mental blank. it makes time stand still. you have nothing to entertain yourself with while you're sitting at traffic lights or taking a shower or any of the other mundane things that you do during your day. that went on for two years. two years. i didn't even much like my dad.
ithe only thing left to pay attention to was the unbearable pain i was in. remember clearly standing in the shower and telling myself that all i had to do was get through the next 60 seconds. after that, i just tried to get through the next 60 seconds. there isn't any respite from the pain which is so large and terrible that i felt my body was too small to contain it.
in short, i feel so sad for his wife and son. his wife has to continue to live in that house where the kitchen walls are bloodstained. "going out with a bang." very fucking funny.
here's the quote of the day:
"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident" ~Peter Greene
america held hostage day 1867
bushism of the day:
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."
website of the day: Centre for Suicide Prevention
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/" title="http://www.suicideinfo.ca/" target="_blank"http://www.suicideinfo.ca/
it doesn't matter that he was 67. though he was in the very highest risk group, knowing that someone you love went into the kitchen with a handgun and shot himself is unbearably painful. even when you know the person has been suffering and that, by committing suicide, they free themselves from suffering, it is still unbearable. even if he had been 90, it would still be terrible.
when my father committed suicide, i was plunged into a kind of nuclear winter in my head. it blasted out all thought. i was left with nothing but pain. you know that incessant patter that goes on in your head all of the time? well it was gone. you might think this sounds like a good thing, but it's not. i tried to remember what kind of things i thought about before his suicide, but nothing seemed worth thinking about. i just kept coming back to this mental blank. it makes time stand still. you have nothing to entertain yourself with while you're sitting at traffic lights or taking a shower or any of the other mundane things that you do during your day. that went on for two years. two years. i didn't even much like my dad.
ithe only thing left to pay attention to was the unbearable pain i was in. remember clearly standing in the shower and telling myself that all i had to do was get through the next 60 seconds. after that, i just tried to get through the next 60 seconds. there isn't any respite from the pain which is so large and terrible that i felt my body was too small to contain it.
in short, i feel so sad for his wife and son. his wife has to continue to live in that house where the kitchen walls are bloodstained. "going out with a bang." very fucking funny.
here's the quote of the day:
"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident" ~Peter Greene
america held hostage day 1867
bushism of the day:
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."
website of the day: Centre for Suicide Prevention
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/" title="http://www.suicideinfo.ca/" target="_blank"http://www.suicideinfo.ca/
art doesn't have to mean anything
02.17.05 (3:41 pm) [edit]
okay, my patience is exhausted. since christo "opened" his gates project in central park, people in the mainstream media have been endlessly blathering on about it. here's the deal, folks: it doesn't mean anything. i can't imagine where people have gotten the idea that art has to necessarily mean something. let me be the first to inform you, it doesn't.
when i first heard about christo's works back in the early seventies, i thought the idea of hanging a curtain across a broad swath of land was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard of. ththen, however, when i saw the documentary film that was made about the project, i completely understood. it didn't mean anything, either; it was just breathtakingly beautiful. it was just this living, luminous curtain in the middle of nowhere, for the most part.
since then, i've only seen photographs of his work. my favorites are the bridge in france and the reichstag. they were absolutely beautiful. i'll admit that i'm not that crazy about the umbrellas and i really didn't like the wrapped islands. they ended up looking like someone had spilled an enormous bottle of pepto bismol around them. not great, but that happens to artists sometimes. christo's problem is that there's no way to fix it once it's done. he's just stuck with some pepto bismol islands.
i also love the fact that they're only short term installations. it speaks to the evanescent nature of reality. things appear, they live for a short while and then they're gone. all of his work leads us to recognize that art isn't something that hangs in a museum. art is an integral part of our lives. it can occur anywhere at anytime. and no, it doesn't have to mean a thing.
that reminds me of a great carl andre story, but for now, here's the quote of the day:
"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem." ~ Rollo May
america held hostage day 1863
bushism of the day:
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders."
website of the day: christo and jean-claude
http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/index.html.en" title="http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/index.html.en" target="_blank"http://www.christojeanneclaud...
when i first heard about christo's works back in the early seventies, i thought the idea of hanging a curtain across a broad swath of land was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard of. ththen, however, when i saw the documentary film that was made about the project, i completely understood. it didn't mean anything, either; it was just breathtakingly beautiful. it was just this living, luminous curtain in the middle of nowhere, for the most part.
since then, i've only seen photographs of his work. my favorites are the bridge in france and the reichstag. they were absolutely beautiful. i'll admit that i'm not that crazy about the umbrellas and i really didn't like the wrapped islands. they ended up looking like someone had spilled an enormous bottle of pepto bismol around them. not great, but that happens to artists sometimes. christo's problem is that there's no way to fix it once it's done. he's just stuck with some pepto bismol islands.
i also love the fact that they're only short term installations. it speaks to the evanescent nature of reality. things appear, they live for a short while and then they're gone. all of his work leads us to recognize that art isn't something that hangs in a museum. art is an integral part of our lives. it can occur anywhere at anytime. and no, it doesn't have to mean a thing.
that reminds me of a great carl andre story, but for now, here's the quote of the day:
"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem." ~ Rollo May
america held hostage day 1863
bushism of the day:
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders."
website of the day: christo and jean-claude
http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/index.html.en" title="http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/index.html.en" target="_blank"http://www.christojeanneclaud...
sick dogs and sick priests
02.15.05 (3:06 pm) [edit]
what an incredibly long day. i was up at four this morning with a sick husky. he couldn't stand up and when i helped him stand up, his back legs were shaking. i thought he might be having extremely low blood sugar, which is life threatening. i gave him some honey in case that was the problem. i then left him in the den because i thought he'd settled in and was going to go back to sleep. a little while later, i heard him fall down the two steps that go from my dining room to my living room. i got up and helped him up again. to prevent him from falling again, i held my hands underneath his chest and tummy while he walked around the living room a bit. finally he was able to walk on his own. then we wanted to go out, so i let him out in the backyard and stayed at the door to make sure he didn't get into trouble. he did his business without problems and got back up the two steps leading into my den. by the time 6 a.m. rolled around, he was ready to have some food. i fed him, gave him his liver medication, his arthritis medication and his insulin injection. when i went home for lunch, he was back to normal.
i was going to write about the shanley thing, but my emotions are a bit close to the edge today because of sleep deprivation. i think i need to have a little time to examine more closely the conflicting feelings he evokes. i definitely felt sad for him as they put the handcuffs on him. i wondered if he would survive in prison...i suspected he wondered the same thing. this is the same guy who had positive things to say about nambla. it's stunning to me that i could feel sorry for him. when i think about what he said to that little boy..."they won't beleive you if you tell," i think whatever happens to him in prison will not be sufficient pennance. i spent a lot of this trial wondering if he actually even believes in god. when jesus said, "suffer the children to come unto me," did he think it was so jesus could stick his finger up the little children's butts? being roman catholic, i'm sure he's confessed and received forgiveness. i wonder if he believes that lets him off the hook morally.
that trial, along with the jackson trial just beginning, is a powerful catalyst to think about my own sexual abuse. last week during therapy i talked about recognizing that, at some level, i still believe i was the cause of the sexual abuse i endured. i also discover that i'm afraid that my mom will think i was the cause. my intellect knows that's not true. unfortunately, intellect doesn't cancel out the part of me that was brainwashed by the perpetrator. i hate the way that feels.
here's the quote of the day:
"Compassion is the basis of morality." ~Arnold Schopenhauer
america held hostage day 1861
bushism of the day;
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
website of the day: The Hindu Universe
http://www.hindunet.org/" title="http://www.hindunet.org/" target="_blank"http://www.hindunet.org/
i was going to write about the shanley thing, but my emotions are a bit close to the edge today because of sleep deprivation. i think i need to have a little time to examine more closely the conflicting feelings he evokes. i definitely felt sad for him as they put the handcuffs on him. i wondered if he would survive in prison...i suspected he wondered the same thing. this is the same guy who had positive things to say about nambla. it's stunning to me that i could feel sorry for him. when i think about what he said to that little boy..."they won't beleive you if you tell," i think whatever happens to him in prison will not be sufficient pennance. i spent a lot of this trial wondering if he actually even believes in god. when jesus said, "suffer the children to come unto me," did he think it was so jesus could stick his finger up the little children's butts? being roman catholic, i'm sure he's confessed and received forgiveness. i wonder if he believes that lets him off the hook morally.
that trial, along with the jackson trial just beginning, is a powerful catalyst to think about my own sexual abuse. last week during therapy i talked about recognizing that, at some level, i still believe i was the cause of the sexual abuse i endured. i also discover that i'm afraid that my mom will think i was the cause. my intellect knows that's not true. unfortunately, intellect doesn't cancel out the part of me that was brainwashed by the perpetrator. i hate the way that feels.
here's the quote of the day:
"Compassion is the basis of morality." ~Arnold Schopenhauer
america held hostage day 1861
bushism of the day;
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
website of the day: The Hindu Universe
http://www.hindunet.org/" title="http://www.hindunet.org/" target="_blank"http://www.hindunet.org/
shanley sentencing
02.15.05 (9:12 am) [edit]
the judge announced his decision this morning regarding the sentencing of paul shanley. on counts one and two, he was sentenced to not less than 12 years, not more than 15, with both sentences running concurrently. he must serve 2/3 of his sentence before he's eligible for parole. he'll be in his 80's before he's eligible for release. for counts 3-5, he was sentenced to probation.
as the bailiff fastened the handcuffs on shanley, i felt compassion for him. that would be the difference between me and any child abuser. they feel no compassion for their victims. i know he must be aware of the possibility he'll be murdered in prison like the former fr. geoghin (i'm guessing at spelling here). i wondered, as they walked him out of the courtroom, if he should be put on suicide watch.
as the bailiff fastened the handcuffs on shanley, i felt compassion for him. that would be the difference between me and any child abuser. they feel no compassion for their victims. i know he must be aware of the possibility he'll be murdered in prison like the former fr. geoghin (i'm guessing at spelling here). i wondered, as they walked him out of the courtroom, if he should be put on suicide watch.
will run amuck
02.14.05 (3:07 pm) [edit]
my mom was recuperating from a virus this weekend, so i didn't see her at all. instead, i spent the entire weekend doing house cleaning. i tried really hard to maintain my time discipline of 15 minutes of work, then five minutes of rest. i kept forgetting when the 15 minutes started, but when i remembered i sat down and rested. i worked until around 6:00, other than doing a couple of loads of laundry. i was very tired. the time discipline is supposed to address that problem. if i'm following the time schedule, i really shouldn't be tired when i'm finished. i'm guessing that i missed several of the 5 minute rest breaks. it's so hard for me to stick to that schedule. even having missed a lot of the break times, it seemed to me that i should just keep going when 6:00 rollowed around. it just didn't seem like i'd gotten as much accomplished as i wished. it was one of those weekends when i was having some problems with compulsiveness.
the other way my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifested was with the diet thing. i had decided that i would take the week off from working out because i've been feeling really tired. just making that decision was difficult. i remembered that it hasn't been that long since i took time off because i was sick. that made me anxious. then i remembered the whole overtraining issue. the way you can tell if you're overtraining is that you feel tired all of the time and/or you have sore muscles all of the time. finallyl, i was able to make the decision to take time off by ignoring my anxiety.
then i checked in on "dateline" and even started watching it. it was about people losing weight. just what i needed. the more i watched, the more i was feeling the need to be on a diet and work out more. i actually recognized that i was getting into a compulsive state of mind again. that's a major victory, but then i turned the channel! oh my god! how amazing!
i can't tell if i start feeling compulsive because of a change in brain chemicals or if it's something external that triggers it. i wonder if it would matter in terms of behavior. who knows.
hubby and i celebrated valentine's day on saturday. much easier to celebrate over the weekend because i tend to be too tired during the week to celebrate anything. he actually brought flowers and candy this year. of course, he started eating the candy immediately after he gave it to me. that's okay because i really really don't need to be eating chocolate. too much fat, too many calories.
this morning was a nightmare. ruski woke me up sometime in the middle of the night to go out. i was really out of it and turned the coffee pot on, but realized what i had done in time and rushed back into the kitchen to turn it off. i must have also turned the alarm clock off. i woke up later and looked at the clock, but without my glasses. i thought the time was 5:45. i turned over and went back to sleep. the next time i woke up, it was 7:00. oh jesus. so i rushed around like crazy, but because i still had to deal with the mighty tusk, i still didn't get to work until 8:30. not a great way to start my day. of course my hubby and my mom would both point out how frequently others are late. somehow that doesn't make me any less stressed.
when i went home for lunch, i was going to make some brown rice. i stuck the stupid thing in the microwave and set the timer for ten minutes. when the ten minutes were up, i took the bowl out of the microwave and the rice was still hard. i put it back in the microwave for five minutes. when i did that, i noticed that it was set to "defrost." great. i gave it another ten minutes after i switched to full power. by that time, it was time to go back to work. i knew that k. was planning to leave work at noon today, which meant that i was busy answering the phone all day today while s. did payroll. i really wanted to get back in time to rescue s. from having to do it.
all in all, it's just been a fabulous day. i'm still intermittently thinking about abandoning the idea of not working out this week. i just hate this part of myself. i'm stuck with it, i suppose, so here's the quote of the day:
"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."~ Eleanor Roosevelt
america held hostage day 1860
bushism of the day:
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."
—Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
website of the day: The Highly Sensitive Person
http://www.hsperson.com/" title="http://www.hsperson.com/" target="_blank"http://www.hsperson.com/
the other way my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifested was with the diet thing. i had decided that i would take the week off from working out because i've been feeling really tired. just making that decision was difficult. i remembered that it hasn't been that long since i took time off because i was sick. that made me anxious. then i remembered the whole overtraining issue. the way you can tell if you're overtraining is that you feel tired all of the time and/or you have sore muscles all of the time. finallyl, i was able to make the decision to take time off by ignoring my anxiety.
then i checked in on "dateline" and even started watching it. it was about people losing weight. just what i needed. the more i watched, the more i was feeling the need to be on a diet and work out more. i actually recognized that i was getting into a compulsive state of mind again. that's a major victory, but then i turned the channel! oh my god! how amazing!
i can't tell if i start feeling compulsive because of a change in brain chemicals or if it's something external that triggers it. i wonder if it would matter in terms of behavior. who knows.
hubby and i celebrated valentine's day on saturday. much easier to celebrate over the weekend because i tend to be too tired during the week to celebrate anything. he actually brought flowers and candy this year. of course, he started eating the candy immediately after he gave it to me. that's okay because i really really don't need to be eating chocolate. too much fat, too many calories.
this morning was a nightmare. ruski woke me up sometime in the middle of the night to go out. i was really out of it and turned the coffee pot on, but realized what i had done in time and rushed back into the kitchen to turn it off. i must have also turned the alarm clock off. i woke up later and looked at the clock, but without my glasses. i thought the time was 5:45. i turned over and went back to sleep. the next time i woke up, it was 7:00. oh jesus. so i rushed around like crazy, but because i still had to deal with the mighty tusk, i still didn't get to work until 8:30. not a great way to start my day. of course my hubby and my mom would both point out how frequently others are late. somehow that doesn't make me any less stressed.
when i went home for lunch, i was going to make some brown rice. i stuck the stupid thing in the microwave and set the timer for ten minutes. when the ten minutes were up, i took the bowl out of the microwave and the rice was still hard. i put it back in the microwave for five minutes. when i did that, i noticed that it was set to "defrost." great. i gave it another ten minutes after i switched to full power. by that time, it was time to go back to work. i knew that k. was planning to leave work at noon today, which meant that i was busy answering the phone all day today while s. did payroll. i really wanted to get back in time to rescue s. from having to do it.
all in all, it's just been a fabulous day. i'm still intermittently thinking about abandoning the idea of not working out this week. i just hate this part of myself. i'm stuck with it, i suppose, so here's the quote of the day:
"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."~ Eleanor Roosevelt
america held hostage day 1860
bushism of the day:
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."
—Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
website of the day: The Highly Sensitive Person
http://www.hsperson.com/" title="http://www.hsperson.com/" target="_blank"http://www.hsperson.com/
quieting the inner nosie
02.11.05 (1:03 pm) [edit]
so all day yesterday and into the evening, i had the self-loathing soundtrack repeating endlessly in my head. i thought it was because i was feeling angry with my father. late in the evening, i remembered my therapist said she thought it was related to sexual abuse and suggested that i remember with whom i'm really angry. so i shifted my thoughts and started substituting his name instead of mine. it only took a couple of minutes for me to be overwhelmed with rage. it always makes me feel like a want to set myself on fire. it makes me want to disappear. it makes me want to implode. i stopped the thoughts. i couldn't bear it anymore. here's the big surprise--it worked. for the rest of the evening, the cruel voice inside my head was silenced.
i still tend to minimalize that abuse. as i thought about that, about why i don't want to face how horrible it was and the damage that was done, it dawned on me that somewhere deep inside i still believe that it was my fault. that really makes me angry. i've managed to keep that a secret from myself for a while now. my logical mind knows it wasn't my fault. it's that child inside who believes otherwise.
somewhere in the midst of all of these epiphanies, it occurred to me that recounting the events of my life doesn't help because i am unwilling to move across the threshold of my memories. i can recount them to myself endlessly, but the meaning of those events is still more than i can bear. i know the meaning. i'd just rather not have to confront it. the meaning of those memories plunges me into darkness, so much darkness that i'm uncertain whether i can return to the light. confronting the despair barely hidden behind the events my past makes me not want to go on living.
i thought yesterday about letting a friend of mine read this weblog. i thought about it, but i didn't do it. i'm afraid she will no longer like me. i have no idea what the fuck that's about. if someone were to ask me if i like myself, the answer would be yes. there are a lot of things i like about myself. i think. now i'm uncertain, having had this revelation.
on the other hand, it's true that one of my biggest difficulties in life is letting people know me. i tailor my personality to fit my audience. would my audience like me to be intellectual? then i'll downplay the parts of myself that don't fit that bill. would my audience like to believe all i ever think about is shoes? can do. i just temporarily excise other parts of my personality. i don't know why this is. i know when i first started therapy this last time, i told my therapist that i wanted to figure out what people want from me and give it to them so they'll go away and leave me alone. that's not so true at this moment. but if that's not it, i'm not sure why the hell i behave that way.
here's the quote of the day:
"Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it." ~ Lewis Carroll
america held hostage day 1857
bushism of the day:
"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
—Interview with the Associated Press, Jan. 18, 2001
website of the day: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
http://www.cdc.gov/" title="http://www.cdc.gov/" target="_blank"http://www.cdc.gov/
i still tend to minimalize that abuse. as i thought about that, about why i don't want to face how horrible it was and the damage that was done, it dawned on me that somewhere deep inside i still believe that it was my fault. that really makes me angry. i've managed to keep that a secret from myself for a while now. my logical mind knows it wasn't my fault. it's that child inside who believes otherwise.
somewhere in the midst of all of these epiphanies, it occurred to me that recounting the events of my life doesn't help because i am unwilling to move across the threshold of my memories. i can recount them to myself endlessly, but the meaning of those events is still more than i can bear. i know the meaning. i'd just rather not have to confront it. the meaning of those memories plunges me into darkness, so much darkness that i'm uncertain whether i can return to the light. confronting the despair barely hidden behind the events my past makes me not want to go on living.
i thought yesterday about letting a friend of mine read this weblog. i thought about it, but i didn't do it. i'm afraid she will no longer like me. i have no idea what the fuck that's about. if someone were to ask me if i like myself, the answer would be yes. there are a lot of things i like about myself. i think. now i'm uncertain, having had this revelation.
on the other hand, it's true that one of my biggest difficulties in life is letting people know me. i tailor my personality to fit my audience. would my audience like me to be intellectual? then i'll downplay the parts of myself that don't fit that bill. would my audience like to believe all i ever think about is shoes? can do. i just temporarily excise other parts of my personality. i don't know why this is. i know when i first started therapy this last time, i told my therapist that i wanted to figure out what people want from me and give it to them so they'll go away and leave me alone. that's not so true at this moment. but if that's not it, i'm not sure why the hell i behave that way.
here's the quote of the day:
"Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it." ~ Lewis Carroll
america held hostage day 1857
bushism of the day:
"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
—Interview with the Associated Press, Jan. 18, 2001
website of the day: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
http://www.cdc.gov/" title="http://www.cdc.gov/" target="_blank"http://www.cdc.gov/
the dreaded hump head, among other things
02.09.05 (2:50 pm) [edit]
i thought long and hard yesterday about making an entry here, but i was just never able to summon the interest. it was one of those days. it began with my hair. i curled my hair yesterday morning before work and, when i looked in the mirror, there it was--hump head. one side of my hair was poofed up taller than the other side. it was also poofed up more than all of the other hair on the same side of my head. i tried to flatten it out, but no matter what i did, it wouldn't budge. i spent the rest of the day avoiding the mirror because every time i would catch a glimpse of myself, all i could see was the hump head. then i would be obsessed for a while with trying to get it to flatten it.
aside from that, whenever my attention to something would lag, i kept hearing my critical voice inside my head telling me what a terrible person i am. there wasn't any precipitating event, i just was having a self-hating day. i was able to notice when those thoughts arose and try to stop them. sometimes i was successful, sometimes not. i was answering an email from a friend and i kept thinking about how lame my email was. i started feeling very needy, which is not a feeling i find acceptable.
i've also noticed that for the past several days i've had random thoughts of my dad that just simply infuriated me. it wasn't new material arising from some deeper part of my memory. it was just the same old shit. it was stuff i should be angry about, but i found it a little disorienting nonetheless.
i'm thinking that maybe that anger at my father was directed at mywelf. it certainly wouldn't be the first time i decided that it was easier to hate myself than to hate someone else. yesterday afternoon, in pursuit of understanding, i started to try to find some information on sadistic personality disorder on the web. there wasn't a whole lot out there beyond the obvious. symptoms are predictable and fit my father perfectly. i was really searching for an answer to why someone would find pleasure in others' pain. naturally i thought it was something that happened in early childhood. i may be correct in that assumption, but i was never able to verify it.
it's another manifestation of my need to understand my father. i've always thought that if i could understand his behavior, i could forgive it. there's just so much to forgive. at this point, i question whether understanding will lead me anywhere in particular. i just always think there's some way to soothe this terrible tension between love and hate. maybe that's just a belief left over from when i had to deal with him every day, when i wanted to make that interaction more bearable.
at the very least, i need to not take out my anger on myself. i also need to try to always avoid having the dreaded hump head. here's the quote of the day:
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" ~ Jean Kerr
america held hostage day 1855
bushism of the day:
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."
—Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
website of the day: Fourth Way Home
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/1236/" title="http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/1236/" target="_blank"http://www.geocities.com/Toky...
aside from that, whenever my attention to something would lag, i kept hearing my critical voice inside my head telling me what a terrible person i am. there wasn't any precipitating event, i just was having a self-hating day. i was able to notice when those thoughts arose and try to stop them. sometimes i was successful, sometimes not. i was answering an email from a friend and i kept thinking about how lame my email was. i started feeling very needy, which is not a feeling i find acceptable.
i've also noticed that for the past several days i've had random thoughts of my dad that just simply infuriated me. it wasn't new material arising from some deeper part of my memory. it was just the same old shit. it was stuff i should be angry about, but i found it a little disorienting nonetheless.
i'm thinking that maybe that anger at my father was directed at mywelf. it certainly wouldn't be the first time i decided that it was easier to hate myself than to hate someone else. yesterday afternoon, in pursuit of understanding, i started to try to find some information on sadistic personality disorder on the web. there wasn't a whole lot out there beyond the obvious. symptoms are predictable and fit my father perfectly. i was really searching for an answer to why someone would find pleasure in others' pain. naturally i thought it was something that happened in early childhood. i may be correct in that assumption, but i was never able to verify it.
it's another manifestation of my need to understand my father. i've always thought that if i could understand his behavior, i could forgive it. there's just so much to forgive. at this point, i question whether understanding will lead me anywhere in particular. i just always think there's some way to soothe this terrible tension between love and hate. maybe that's just a belief left over from when i had to deal with him every day, when i wanted to make that interaction more bearable.
at the very least, i need to not take out my anger on myself. i also need to try to always avoid having the dreaded hump head. here's the quote of the day:
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" ~ Jean Kerr
america held hostage day 1855
bushism of the day:
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."
—Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
website of the day: Fourth Way Home
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/1236/" title="http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/1236/" target="_blank"http://www.geocities.com/Toky...
verdict
02.07.05 (2:45 pm) [edit]
paul shanley was found guilty of all charges this afternoon and could receive a sentence of life in prison. he will be sentenced at a later date.
happy fucking birthday
02.04.05 (12:59 pm) [edit]
i feel like shit today. i've been tinkering with my breakfast menu to try to make it a little more heart-friendly (and fewer calories). i generally have half a bagel, an oatmeal bar and six prunes. lots of antioxidants, good for macular degeneration and cholesterol. i decided recently to try to eliminate the bagel. i did that today and it was a huge mistake. i've felt so nauseated all morning. the nausea is gone but my stomach is still pretty unhappy with me. i take this handful of pills every morning and i guess the bagel (or something of equal bulk) is necessary to protect my stomach lining from the onslaught of medication. for a while i was thinking maybe i could move some of the pills to lunch time, but the medication i take the most of (antidepressants) has to be taken early. damn damn damn.
we're getting ready to have an office birthday party. big fun. the owner of the company always ruins the birthday celebrations by talking about inappropriate topics. he has at least three favorites: the company is going out of business and we're all going to be unemployed; he's dying of a tumor and won't be around much longer; and something on the birthday cake looks like snot or a bug or something equally disgusting. he also makes us sing happy birthday, which all of us without exception really hate.
that part about the tumor really drives me nuts. that's exactly the kind of thing my dad would do. it irritated me when my dad did it and i have absolutely no patience for it in anyone else. i've pointed out to my boss that he's been saying that to me for at least the past ten years and -- surprise! -- he's still here. he loves to say that shit when he's just done something he knows will piss me off. of course, it just annoys me more, but god forbid that he should actually learn from experience. as a matter of fact, he has quite a few qualities which are similar to my dad's. narcissitic. obtuse. whiney. self-pitying. there's more, but i'm running out of time here. my therapist is periodically surprised that i can work in such a triggering environment.
anyway, when he starts in on his birthday party patter, i'm the only person who will tell the man to shut up or change the subject. i've thought about sitting next to him so i can just elbow him when he starts. i really think someone else should be a big grown-up person and say something instead of waiting for me to do it. i've thought about instituting a fee for my services. i'm thinking ten dollars from every person every time i have to intervene. seems fair to me.
the person we're having a party for is a weasle. he's the guy who's getting his instructions directly from jesus and his opinions from rush limbaugh. for such a pious person, there's very damn little of jesus in his conversations. according to this guy, everyone is a moron or a moral derelict. he has contempt for people who dare to suggest that maybe if we all tried a little harder to get along, the world would be a slightly more pleasant place. he's the guy who had a little pouty party because he thought i said something critical about the san antonio spurs basketball team. jesus. yes, you asshole, everything is about you.
other than the anticipation of that fun-filled event, not much is going on today. the sun is finally out, so i'm feeling a little less down today. it's supposed to start raining again this weekend, though. hey, i'll take anything i can get. here's the quote of the day:
"There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism. " ~ George Eliot
america held hostage day 1852
bushism of the day:
"They can get in line like those who have been here legally and have been working to become a citizenship in a legal manner."—Referring to immigrant workers, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2004
website of the day: Gregorian Chants
http://www.christusrex.org/www2/cantgreg/" title="http://www.christusrex.org/www2/cantgreg/" target="_blank"http://www.christusrex.org/ww...
we're getting ready to have an office birthday party. big fun. the owner of the company always ruins the birthday celebrations by talking about inappropriate topics. he has at least three favorites: the company is going out of business and we're all going to be unemployed; he's dying of a tumor and won't be around much longer; and something on the birthday cake looks like snot or a bug or something equally disgusting. he also makes us sing happy birthday, which all of us without exception really hate.
that part about the tumor really drives me nuts. that's exactly the kind of thing my dad would do. it irritated me when my dad did it and i have absolutely no patience for it in anyone else. i've pointed out to my boss that he's been saying that to me for at least the past ten years and -- surprise! -- he's still here. he loves to say that shit when he's just done something he knows will piss me off. of course, it just annoys me more, but god forbid that he should actually learn from experience. as a matter of fact, he has quite a few qualities which are similar to my dad's. narcissitic. obtuse. whiney. self-pitying. there's more, but i'm running out of time here. my therapist is periodically surprised that i can work in such a triggering environment.
anyway, when he starts in on his birthday party patter, i'm the only person who will tell the man to shut up or change the subject. i've thought about sitting next to him so i can just elbow him when he starts. i really think someone else should be a big grown-up person and say something instead of waiting for me to do it. i've thought about instituting a fee for my services. i'm thinking ten dollars from every person every time i have to intervene. seems fair to me.
the person we're having a party for is a weasle. he's the guy who's getting his instructions directly from jesus and his opinions from rush limbaugh. for such a pious person, there's very damn little of jesus in his conversations. according to this guy, everyone is a moron or a moral derelict. he has contempt for people who dare to suggest that maybe if we all tried a little harder to get along, the world would be a slightly more pleasant place. he's the guy who had a little pouty party because he thought i said something critical about the san antonio spurs basketball team. jesus. yes, you asshole, everything is about you.
other than the anticipation of that fun-filled event, not much is going on today. the sun is finally out, so i'm feeling a little less down today. it's supposed to start raining again this weekend, though. hey, i'll take anything i can get. here's the quote of the day:
"There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism. " ~ George Eliot
america held hostage day 1852
bushism of the day:
"They can get in line like those who have been here legally and have been working to become a citizenship in a legal manner."—Referring to immigrant workers, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2004
website of the day: Gregorian Chants
http://www.christusrex.org/www2/cantgreg/" title="http://www.christusrex.org/www2/cantgreg/" target="_blank"http://www.christusrex.org/ww...
entitled :"who knew people left comments" or "just call me miss technology of 2005"
02.04.05 (7:49 am) [edit]
i discovered yesterday that people can leave comments. duh. after i discovered people could leave comments, it took me a little while to figure out how to get to them. i'm deeplly touched by many of the comments. they brightened my day. thank you to the people who were kind enough to leave them.
more later
more later
paul shanley redux
02.03.05 (3:22 pm) [edit]
as i mentioned earlier, i've been following paul shanley's trial all this week. the testimony finally wrapped up today with the one and only defense witness. her name is elizabeth loftis. elizabeth has made her living attempting to discredit people who recover memories of past abuse. even though (as far as i know) i have always known about all of the abuse inflicted upon me, i really loathe this woman.
as she was testifying today, she spoke about several studies she's conducted regarding memory. her studies involved things like showing someone photographs of a car accident or telling people they were lost in a grocery store when they were children when, in fact, those events never occurred. some of those people did believe they remembered those events. ci don't think it's the same thing at all. i don't think they're even remotely similar to actual recovered memories from people who were abused in childhood. as a matter of fact, i find the comparison insulting.
i do know of at least one case where two teenagers were convinced they had been sexually abused by their father when no abuse (apparently) occurred. part of the reason i'm willing to entertain the idea that the girls were wrong is the circumstances in which the abused supposedly took place. the abuse involved sacrificing babies and a lot of other improbable events.
i'm also aware that young children can indeed have things accidentallly implanted in their heads that they then believe to have actually happened. as a matter of fact, i read recently that children who believe but have not, in fact, been abused have exactly the same emotional difficulties as they would had they really been abused.
however, i'm aware of many more instances in which people actually did recover memories of abuse years after the abuse occurred. my knee jerk reaction is that the people who would have us believe that recovered memories don't exist are the people who either abuse or shield abusers. that's a fairly extreme position to take, i know.
the jury is now deliberating. the main witness for the prosecution was a young man, now 27, who was one of four victims who reached settlements in their civil cases against the church. the witness was abused for many years, beginning around the age of 6. he believes that many of his problems in life were a result of that abuse. specificallly, he has problems with anger, problems with alcohol and steroids, problems with relationships. there may be more that i'm forgetting. i know that all of those problems could be caused by his sexual abuse. however, the jury may find it difficult to accept because he also had a very difficult childhood in other ways. he had a mom who wasn't there for him, who was into drugs and who physically abused him. his father physically abused him and neglected him.
one of the facts they were not given was that there had been other complaints about shanley as far back as the early 60's. given that fact and his history of being shuffled around from one parish to the next, my guess would be that the man is guilty. i tend to believe the victim unless i can see clear evidence that nothing happened. i would never be allowed to be seated in a child abuse case.
it's just a matter of time before the verdict is reached. i'm sure i'll have something to say about it, one way or the other.
here's the quote of the day:
"Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander." ~ Holocaust Museum, Washington, D.C.
america held hostage day 1851
bushism of the day:
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 21, 2004
website of the day: The Online Guide to Traditional Games
http://www.tradgames.org.uk/index.html" title="http://www.tradgames.org.uk/index.html" target="_blank"http://www.tradgames.org.uk/i...
as she was testifying today, she spoke about several studies she's conducted regarding memory. her studies involved things like showing someone photographs of a car accident or telling people they were lost in a grocery store when they were children when, in fact, those events never occurred. some of those people did believe they remembered those events. ci don't think it's the same thing at all. i don't think they're even remotely similar to actual recovered memories from people who were abused in childhood. as a matter of fact, i find the comparison insulting.
i do know of at least one case where two teenagers were convinced they had been sexually abused by their father when no abuse (apparently) occurred. part of the reason i'm willing to entertain the idea that the girls were wrong is the circumstances in which the abused supposedly took place. the abuse involved sacrificing babies and a lot of other improbable events.
i'm also aware that young children can indeed have things accidentallly implanted in their heads that they then believe to have actually happened. as a matter of fact, i read recently that children who believe but have not, in fact, been abused have exactly the same emotional difficulties as they would had they really been abused.
however, i'm aware of many more instances in which people actually did recover memories of abuse years after the abuse occurred. my knee jerk reaction is that the people who would have us believe that recovered memories don't exist are the people who either abuse or shield abusers. that's a fairly extreme position to take, i know.
the jury is now deliberating. the main witness for the prosecution was a young man, now 27, who was one of four victims who reached settlements in their civil cases against the church. the witness was abused for many years, beginning around the age of 6. he believes that many of his problems in life were a result of that abuse. specificallly, he has problems with anger, problems with alcohol and steroids, problems with relationships. there may be more that i'm forgetting. i know that all of those problems could be caused by his sexual abuse. however, the jury may find it difficult to accept because he also had a very difficult childhood in other ways. he had a mom who wasn't there for him, who was into drugs and who physically abused him. his father physically abused him and neglected him.
one of the facts they were not given was that there had been other complaints about shanley as far back as the early 60's. given that fact and his history of being shuffled around from one parish to the next, my guess would be that the man is guilty. i tend to believe the victim unless i can see clear evidence that nothing happened. i would never be allowed to be seated in a child abuse case.
it's just a matter of time before the verdict is reached. i'm sure i'll have something to say about it, one way or the other.
here's the quote of the day:
"Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander." ~ Holocaust Museum, Washington, D.C.
america held hostage day 1851
bushism of the day:
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 21, 2004
website of the day: The Online Guide to Traditional Games
http://www.tradgames.org.uk/index.html" title="http://www.tradgames.org.uk/index.html" target="_blank"http://www.tradgames.org.uk/i...
cold and gray wednesday
02.02.05 (3:16 pm) [edit]
i have a crushing headache today and i can feel my level of depression rising for every day there is no sun. cold, gray weather always reminds me of my childhood. as a matter of fact, if i didn't know better, i'd swear every day i was growing up was cold and dark. of course, that just speaks to my psychological state at the time.
i've spent a fair amount of the day working on osha logs...never a particularly appealing task. on the up side, i spent some time reformatting data in a company database. that's more palatable for me somehow.
hubby had a job interview today for a writing job with the department of agriculture. he chose not to prepare for it other than to check out their website. he did get some valuable information there. my advice would have been to practice some interview questions, just to make sure you have a ready answer when they ask those predictable questions like "how do you handle multiple projects with the same deadlines." they also asked him what type of writing he prefers. he didn't have a particularly good answer for it. successful interviewing techniques require practice, unfortunately. they're going to select 10 candidates and start round two of the process. they're anticipating that should happen in about a week to ten days.
ruski seems to be improving. he's been eating more regularly. in addition to his special diet food, he had a couple of bags of moist dry dog food at lunch today, then an oatmeal biscuit, then a vegetable chew treat. i think that's the most he's eaten since he became ill. he even initiated play with sheba yesterday afternoon. the past couple of evenings, he gets on his bed in the living room about nine, lies down and starts flopping one foot at us periodically. it's kind of like a little wave at us...that means he's ready to receive pets. not only is he ready, he's a little fascist about it. hubby and i have a tag team approach so one of us isn't stuck petting him for a solid hour. hubby periodically has to go in the den, though, to make sure that The Princess of Woo isn't feeling neglected. i figure once she goes to her crate, she's just doing her greta garbo impression...she wants to be alone. i'm very cheered up by The Might Tusk's improvement. if only i could get the timing right for all of the things i need to do for him first thing in the morning. this morning i forgot to give him his liver pills until 6:45, which made me late for work.
my mom is feeling ill still. she sounds like she's very stuffed up and she's coughing, but she says she feels okay. when she's sick i start feeling like i need to be in control of the management of her illness. i guess that comes from having to deal with my dad for such a long time. when he would call me up and not be feeling well (a lot), i would leap into action intellectually and come up with a series of things i thought he should do to feel better. that didn't mean he'd do any of those things, of course, but sometimes he would. i guess the fact that he would cooperate sometimes ensured i'd continue to try to crisis manage for him.
i don't generally think of myself as a controlling person, especially since my dad's suicide. that was the best lesson i've ever had in exactly how much contol one really has over other people. i recognize my need to control in this situation is really just a function of how much anxiety i'm experiencing.
that reminds me. last night i was watching some television program in which a husband and wife were having conflict. the husband arrived home late and hadn't called to let his wife know. the children ran to greet him, his wife made some comment clearly indicating her irritation and then left the room. it was surprisingly triggering. i remembered how frightening it was for me when my father came home late. even more frightening when there was even a hint of conflict. in my flashback, i noticed my need to try to assert some control over the situation. how much control could a little kid have? i would try to assess the immediate danger related to him being late. then i would try to distract my father in the hope that the situation wouldn't then become explosive. in retrospect, i'm not sure i was ever successful in completely defusing the situation. sometimes i was just able to get him to focus his anger on me.
that's a cheery little tale to end with. here's the quote of the day:
""Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise." ~ Henry Ward Beecher
america held hostage day 1850
bushism of the day:
"A surplus means there'll be money left over. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called a surplus."
website of the day: Economic Justice Now (Global Debt Relief)
http://www.economicjustice.org/resources/media/aslam 042099.html" title="http://www.economicjustice.org/resources/media/aslam 042099.html" target="_blank"http://www.economicjustice.or...
i've spent a fair amount of the day working on osha logs...never a particularly appealing task. on the up side, i spent some time reformatting data in a company database. that's more palatable for me somehow.
hubby had a job interview today for a writing job with the department of agriculture. he chose not to prepare for it other than to check out their website. he did get some valuable information there. my advice would have been to practice some interview questions, just to make sure you have a ready answer when they ask those predictable questions like "how do you handle multiple projects with the same deadlines." they also asked him what type of writing he prefers. he didn't have a particularly good answer for it. successful interviewing techniques require practice, unfortunately. they're going to select 10 candidates and start round two of the process. they're anticipating that should happen in about a week to ten days.
ruski seems to be improving. he's been eating more regularly. in addition to his special diet food, he had a couple of bags of moist dry dog food at lunch today, then an oatmeal biscuit, then a vegetable chew treat. i think that's the most he's eaten since he became ill. he even initiated play with sheba yesterday afternoon. the past couple of evenings, he gets on his bed in the living room about nine, lies down and starts flopping one foot at us periodically. it's kind of like a little wave at us...that means he's ready to receive pets. not only is he ready, he's a little fascist about it. hubby and i have a tag team approach so one of us isn't stuck petting him for a solid hour. hubby periodically has to go in the den, though, to make sure that The Princess of Woo isn't feeling neglected. i figure once she goes to her crate, she's just doing her greta garbo impression...she wants to be alone. i'm very cheered up by The Might Tusk's improvement. if only i could get the timing right for all of the things i need to do for him first thing in the morning. this morning i forgot to give him his liver pills until 6:45, which made me late for work.
my mom is feeling ill still. she sounds like she's very stuffed up and she's coughing, but she says she feels okay. when she's sick i start feeling like i need to be in control of the management of her illness. i guess that comes from having to deal with my dad for such a long time. when he would call me up and not be feeling well (a lot), i would leap into action intellectually and come up with a series of things i thought he should do to feel better. that didn't mean he'd do any of those things, of course, but sometimes he would. i guess the fact that he would cooperate sometimes ensured i'd continue to try to crisis manage for him.
i don't generally think of myself as a controlling person, especially since my dad's suicide. that was the best lesson i've ever had in exactly how much contol one really has over other people. i recognize my need to control in this situation is really just a function of how much anxiety i'm experiencing.
that reminds me. last night i was watching some television program in which a husband and wife were having conflict. the husband arrived home late and hadn't called to let his wife know. the children ran to greet him, his wife made some comment clearly indicating her irritation and then left the room. it was surprisingly triggering. i remembered how frightening it was for me when my father came home late. even more frightening when there was even a hint of conflict. in my flashback, i noticed my need to try to assert some control over the situation. how much control could a little kid have? i would try to assess the immediate danger related to him being late. then i would try to distract my father in the hope that the situation wouldn't then become explosive. in retrospect, i'm not sure i was ever successful in completely defusing the situation. sometimes i was just able to get him to focus his anger on me.
that's a cheery little tale to end with. here's the quote of the day:
""Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise." ~ Henry Ward Beecher
america held hostage day 1850
bushism of the day:
"A surplus means there'll be money left over. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called a surplus."
website of the day: Economic Justice Now (Global Debt Relief)
http://www.economicjustice.org/resources/media/aslam 042099.html" title="http://www.economicjustice.org/resources/media/aslam 042099.html" target="_blank"http://www.economicjustice.or...
