Letters to the Universe

it's been a hellacious week so i haven't gotten around to writing for a while now. after today, i'll be off work until the new year. what a blessing.

i had my annual physical and found out that my cholesterol level is 265. i don't eat crappy food. i work out five days a week. i don't get it. i wish there were someone i could take this up with because i'm pretty annoyed about it. i'm supposed to start taking lipitor. just what i need--more medications.

i also found out that the mighty toosk has doggie diabetes. we have an appointment with the vet tomorrow so we can find out about how to change his diet and how to give insulin injections. it was purely by accident that we found out. he was having trouble getting up off the floor and i thought it might be because his toenails were too long. luckily, when we went in, the doctor was standing around in the lobby and saw his difficulty. she thought he might have arthritis and gave me some doggie celebrex to give him. she also took some blood to make sure his liver was up for the medication. his liver enzymes were indeed high and his blood glucose level was also high. i collected some urine on monday to have them analyze and the diagnosis of diabetes was confirmed.

i've also been a little under the weather. cedar fever hit me like a mack truck over the weekend, so i've been feeling sick without the benefit of actually being sick. i mean, if i had a cold or the flu, i might feel better about taking some time off my rigorous workout schedule. of course, now that i've found out about the cholesterol problem, i'm even more antsy about having taken some time off.

one of my coworkers dropped by to give me a gift yesterday and i had another attack of not knowing how to appropriately respond. i said thank you, of course, but gifts just make me profoundly uncomfortable. even when my family gives them to me. thanks dad.

i'm not feeling very introspective today, so here's the quote of the day:
"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself."~Henry Miller

america held hostage day 1808
bushism of the day:
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."

website of the day: Beachbody: Decide. Commit. Succeed
http://www.beachbody.com/jump.jsp?itemID=0&itemType=HOM E_PAGE" title="http://www.beachbody.com/jump.jsp?itemID=0&itemType=HOM E_PAGE" target="_blank"http://www.beachbody.com/jump...

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my therapist and i discussed my body dysmorphia issues last week. i told her i'd been avoiding making an appointment for my annual physical because i don't want to know how much i weigh. i chose not to work out one night last week because i was exhausted from doing some serious cleaning the night before. i was able to allow myself to lie down and rest, but the next day all i could think was, "oh god, i should have worked out. maybe i should eat less today. maybe i should work out longer today. maybe i should do both."

my rational mind knows this is nonsense. i'm 5'6" and wear a size 8 dress. i know that that is not fat. i am a little heavy because of the amount of muscle mass i've developed, but that's good weight, not bad. as i undress or notice myself partially clothed in some mirror, i start obsessing again about how i should just lose about five pounds and i'll be fine.

my therapist pointed out to me that there is a direct link between eating disorders, body dysmorphia and sexual abuse. of course i already knew that. i just hadn't thought to apply it to myself. she suggested that, instead of berating myself for being fat, maybe i should focus on whom the anger should be directed...the perpetrator.

well, that's easier said than done. when i start thinking about that, i tend to get overwhelmed by my anger and start to feel like i'm going to implode. it truly feels unbearable to me. i've been trying to increase my tolerance for anger by hanging onto the feeling for as long as i can stand it. as we discussed that, i started to dissociate. that's what i do when i'm angry. i just numb out and lose my train of thought. i really hate it when that happens.

so i'm trying not to feel fat today. is it working? not really.

here's the quote of the day:
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." ~ Groucho Marx

America held hostage day 1801
Bushism of the day;
"In my sentences I go where no man has gone before."

website of the day: Fashion Alley: A Place Where Fashion, Trends and Style Resides
http://www.fashionalley.tv/" title="http://www.fashionalley.tv/" target="_blank"http://www.fashionalley.tv/

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i'm not in any place for reflection regarding the past. today i'm staying firmly anchored in the present.

my stepson and his wife were in town for the weekend. they finally got around to calling us at 4:00 p.m. on sunday. i had rushed through all of my usual sunday errands so that i would be sure to be around when they came by. they wished to have dinner at 6:00, so we went to a restaurant they selected. it was expensive, but the ambiance was pretty funky. they were also out of a large number of menu items. i had eaten an apple around 4:30, knowing i couldn't fast until 6:00. i wasn't very hungry, but there were no entrees that weren't enormous. i ended up having a small salad with some turkey on top. i ended up regaling them with stories about my boss' wife.

then we went over to their friends' house to meet their dog. after that, they came over to our house and stayed until about nine. they invited us to come to their house for Christmas, but i wasn't inclined to leave my mom here alone. i'll be the only person in town over that weekend to take care of the office kitties--another big stumbling block to being out of town. i think my husband was annoyed with me, but i really didn't care.

i had to take one of my dogs to the vet this afternoon. he's been having some difficulty getting up when he lies down. i thought perhaps it was because his toenails were getting long and he couldn't get any traction. we went to the vet to get them cut, but the vet was available so we had her look at him to see if there is another problem. she thinks he has arthritis and gave me some nsaid medication to give him. he's a senior dog and weighs 75 pounds, so it's not terribly surprising that he'd have some joint problems at this point. as usual, though, the bill was staggering. we have to take him back in two weeks when the bill will be staggering again. merry christmas to me.

i've been paying bills all day at work. very, very tedious. i don't even have an online trial to entertain me while i do it.

the scott peterson trial is over, finally. he received the death penalty and, even though it's unlikely he'll ever be killed in California, it made me sad nonetheless. i'm opposed to the death penalty generally, but i thought his life would be much more difficult if he got life in prison. there would be much more interaction with other prisoners. having gotten death, he'll be housed in his own cell. i guess i was also sad because it was another opportunity to wish none of it had ever happened. such a stupid, stupid crime.

that's about it for today. here's the quote of the day:
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."~ Henri Nouwen

america held hostage day 1800
bushism of the day:
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."

website of the day: The Irish Potato Famine
http://www.humboldt1.com/" title="http://www.humboldt1.com/" target="_blank"http://www.humboldt1.com/~history/lexiso/

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even though the sun is finally shining, i'm having a terrible day. last night i was watching a television program (without a trace) when they unexpectedly started talking about one of the characters' mother who committed suicide. sometimes it's too difficult for me to hear, even when i know suicide is going to be discussed. the character felt responsible for his mom's death because he had concealed an earlier attempt from his father.

i've been watching a trial on courttv live in which a battered woman is being tried for the hatchet death of her husband. i just listened to lenore walker testifying about battered women and their children who grow up in violent homes. very triggering.

my own father's death has been on my mind recently. he'd been actively psychotic for some time prior to his death. he saw several different psychiatrists before his death, but they were not medicating him sufficiently. just before he died, he was only taking paxil, which is completely ineffective for psychosis.

my mom said that shortly before his death, she had found him standing on the front porch with a butcher knife in his hand. she asked him what he was doing and he said he wasn't doing anything. he came inside and laid the knife on the corner of the kitchen counter.

the day he died, she had gotten a phone call from her sister and was trying to get her off the phone without being rude. she heard my dad in the living room making animal noises. this is a detail which haunts me still. by the time she got off the phone, he was gone. he went to a neighbor's house and asked for some bullets because my mom had hidden the bullets which were in their house. he still had the gun.

he told the neighbor that he wanted some bullets to kill some cats with. they gave him some. he walked out of their house, opened the passenger door and blew himself away. my mom got off the phone, noticed he was gone and went to look for him. she saw his truck parked at the neighbor's house. by the time she got there, he was already gone. she said he was still warm when she got there. the neighbor who gave him the bullets came out and asked if he should call 911. my mom stayed with my dad.

when the police got there, they actually performed a gun powder residue test on her hands. that was the end of my father, the beginning of five years of living in hell for me. maybe more later. this is very hard to talk about. i need to try to calm myself down.

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i'm not feeling much like writing today, but here i am anyway. we had dinner with an old friend from out of town last night. that necessitated a brief cleanup, which must have really zapped my energy level because i feel really tired today. i was supposed to go to the grocery store at lunch to get some more kitty food for the boys, but i didn't. i'll end up buying it at a convenience store again, like i did this morning, and paying twice as much for it.

i've been watching the trial of a woman, about my age, who murdered her husband with a hatchet. well, she murdered him with the hatchet and then stabbed him a number of times and then beat him. she says she wished to make certain he was dead. she alleges to have been physically abused in the relationship for decades. the state is arguing against that last allegation, presumably because there were no hospital records or police reports to verify the abuse. she has two sons, both of them in their early twenties. one of them took the stand to bolster the abuse accusation, the other denied there was any abuse.

i'm inclined to believe she was abused, but primarily because i find it hard to accept that some school teacher who's never been violent in her life would resort to the level of overkill unless she had been abused by the man. the really interesting part of the trial for me was when she testified in her own defense. that's usually a very, very bad idea. unfortunately for her, i think it was a bad idea in her case, too.

of course, i have no way of knowing how the jury received her testimony. she became very passive aggressive with the female prosecutor who cross-examined her. she kept asking the attorney to repeat the question when they seemed to pin her down on some lies that she told, for instance. the defendant seemed to be a person who rattled people's cages without regard to the consequences. some of the things she said to her husband would have been guaranteed to enrage him. she questioned his masculinity by accusing him of "playing house" with another couple. there was never any real explanation of the situation, but regardless of what was going on, it's usually unwise to say those sorts of things to someone who is abusive.

i noticed the same thing in my own mother. i'd be doing my best to keep things peaceful between my parents and she would say something that i immediately knew was going to result in violence. i used to get exasperated with her for not recognizing the sorts of things that triggered him.

the other thing i noted in the trial was the peculiar relationship between her and her sons. it was clear to me that everyone had been forced to take sides and mom was cherishing the victim role. it seemed like her sons had been parenting her by attempting to protect her from their father. one son had been trying to resolve her legal problems (the murder) for her, but that clearly wasn't going to be too successful. mom kept saying that she just wished she could die. the striking thing wasn't that she said it--that makes perfect sense to me. it was that there was a subtle undertone in the statement that communicated some serious anger.

here's the quote of the day:
"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy."~Aristotle

america held hostage day 1796
bushism of the day:
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

website of the day: Boycott China for Tibet
http://www.buyhard.fsnet.co.uk/non_chinese_products.htm" title="http://www.buyhard.fsnet.co.uk/non_chinese_products.htm" target="_blank"http://www.buyhard.fsnet.co.u...

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this weekend when my husband and i were driving to dinner, i remembered something i just read in a workaholics anonymous book. it said that we should operate on the assumption that we are exactly where god wishes us to be. all of the time. no matter where we are. it was absolutely amazing. i felt so liberated...at that moment i didn't need to struggle anymore.

i generally operate under the assumption that, since i was spared the predictable aftereffects of my childhood, i need to do something to pay the universe back. it's like i feel that i need to pay back god for his/her investment.

i generally end up feeling frustrated and a little frantic because i have no clue what it is i'm supposed to be doing here. at this moment, i can let that go. i can relax into the present and be grateful for whatever appears in the eternal now.

here's the quote of the day:
"We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee."~Marian Wright Edelman

america held hostage day 1795
bushism of the day:
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."

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i tend to see myself as profoundly broken, but no one else does. i've focused a great deal of time and energy to repairing myself. since i had so little experience with normalcy, i've had to observe others and then try to emulate them. i was much more consumed with this when i was a young. i'd reallly like to get to the point that no one, not even i, can tell that i wasn't raised in a healthy family. my therapist points out to me on a regular basis that my goal is unattainable.

i know she's right about that. i guess it's gotten to be such a habit that it's hard to stop myself. at one of my recent sessions, i talked about my husband's bad habit of slamming doors and throwing things on the floor when he's in a bad mood. it's not directed at me or anyone else; it's just a thing he does. unfortunately, it's very triggering. i have an extremely hard time lowering my anxiety level; sometimes it causes flashbacks. my therapist asked me if my husband knows how it affects me. i've never said anything to him about it because it's one of those things i think i should get over.

i have a lot of issues around sexuality. for a long time, i think i believed my uncle when he used to say that his behavior was my fault. i had a really hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable with men. if i was having a sexual relationship with some guy, i was very competitive intellectually. for me, the power dynamic of sexuality has always been abundantly clear.

i've already spoken about a couple of my relationships. here's more. after i stopped seeing the guy i got pregnant with, i went back to college in a different city. i was taking a class in eastern religion and somehow got involved with the professor. by involved, i do not mean having a sexual relationship. i was so paranoid about getting pregnant that i was extremely reluctant to be sexual with anyone. after a couple of classes, he called me up and asked me to dinner.

that really flipped me out. i don't know why, really. he had a phd from harvard and had lived in france for a while. i think it made me a little awe-struck, which isn't necessarily the basis for a good relationship. in my case that was particularly true. nonetheless, he was pursuing a long-term (as in marriage) relationship. i didn't think i wanted to do that, but what could i do? i told him i wasn't sure i was going to be around the following year because i was thinking of transferring. so we saw each other for the winter semester and i went home for the christmas break.

another important relationship was also developing with a guy who was a year younger than i. he went to the same high school i did, though i didn't meet him until he was in college in a town not too far away. i think i was quite smitten with him, but he was so young. i mean, i've pretty much been 40 since i was 5 years old. he seemed very immature to me and i wasn't crazy about that.

oops. someone just brought in some additional work. i guess the story will wait until tomorrow. here's the quote of the day:
"In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."~Albert Einstein

america held hostage day 1792
bushism of the day:
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

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